Sometimes the walls we have to break down are the ones within our own minds. THAT is how I know this is the right path.

There is a version of me who looks at this photo and finds everything wrong within it. There are lots of things, wrong or off, or imperfect. I am instead leaning into the girl who snapped the photo.

She was looking up and decided to capture the moment, because sometimes you need to remember who the fuck you are. She was smiling at her sofa and the memories there. She was proud of the alteration she made to it which made it hella more comfortable.

She still finds ways to surround herself with Hello Kitty. There might not be a ‘big’ in her life but her little is still here and still gets to play from time to time. It’s hard to tell because she chose B&W but it was a bright sun filled day, like the days she has more often than not here. Yes it still gets dark at 5 – fuck DST – but from 9-4 she gets the sunshine which helps to keep the seasonal blahs away.

To the right is her Christmas tree. The little one commented on how festive she was and she proclaimed she was not. They are both right. There is a lightness and festivity within the house these days. It is well earned. While I might not ‘do’ Christmas in the ways others do, the fact I’ve given myself permission to celebrate is an accomplishment. Over the years, specifically the last few, I’ve found ways to beat myself up for it not being like it used to be. I can tell myself the truth that it used to be shitty at times. Yes I found joy at the delight of Bonnie and Clyde but it wasn’t always good. This year…I am rolling with good. I still have to hang the ornaments but the tree is up. It is elevated and I didn’t think I would do that but it works. I even have gifts to wrap and put under it. That wasn’t the case last year, I didn’t get anything under the tree until about February. I still have a ways to go before I am where I want to be in that lane, but I am further than I was.

I have decorations for the windows too.

The certificates on the wall. I earned them. I also have not hung all of them and WTF I am going to have to wrap around to a 2nd wall. Just about every week now there is a new detail here, and I don’t take that for granted. I went from wondering IF I could remain here to paying rent to the point I have a credit on file going into the month of December. The move made was designed to destroy me, and instead I am not just surviving but living fully.

I’m even car shopping.

The great wall which held me in place turns out was in my own head. Dismantling that wall for myself and others is what I do these days. I’m getting better at it.