What you ight ask? ALL OF THIS.

I’m not done obviously, but it has begun. I’ve turned into one of those people I used to talk about with judgment and disgust. I am beginning to decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving.

Yes my tree is pink. Fight me. I can make my tree however I choose, and no that’s not done either.

You can go back to prior Novembers and Decembers and see the mood. It varied historically. Hopeful, sad, enthusiastic, exasperated I’ve run the spectrum there.

2022 was the first Christmas I gave myself permission to put up a tree after the incident. It was small and green with colored lights. I don’t usually like colored lights, but it was important to me to have a tree. I needed something and that something was a tree. I was struggling mentally and thought the tree would help. It did in many ways. Last Christmas was ‘supposed’ to be different, turns out that it was how the Universe meant it to be not how Nicole dreamed. I still dream though, and this year I am closer to making the dreams real. That tree didn’t have a gift under it until after the new year. The lights died about 3 weeks after, of course I also left it plugged in 24/7. I refused to elevate the tree, most likely because I was lying to myself that I was happy about it.

This year I am starting early and expanding.

This year I don’t have the struggle or the baggage of last year. I don’t have upcoming court dates and I have a pretty stable budget. I won’t stay long I want to finish at least the tree tonight. I just wanted to flex a little, that I am leaning into this moment, this experience.

I didn’t know that I needed a little. Being transparent I resisted it for a pretty long time. PTSD n’shit but turns out….she makes me better. I wasn’t supposed to be a ‘single’ mother, but I am pretty good at it. Who I am as a human being is limited without having to care for someone else. Yes I still want to crawl under the desk but I don’t want her knees to hurt crawling under there with me so I stay up and out and that matters. She matters.

I didn’t know I needed _____. Yeah I am keeping the name quiet for the moment. I still have not yet figured out the role and if I will assume my companion role so ___ it is now. Our connection is complicated as fuck, especially after today, but I do need them. Turns out icy hearts can melt who knew.

I didn’t know I needed houseguests. Okay, I don’t need houseguests, but I DO need the folx coming to see me. I miss the East Coast in some ways but that is all about the people and the people are coming here so I can go back to being happy here. Who knows I might convince one to stay which would upgrade life immensely. I also need to show off a bit. These are people who know where I was just a few years ago, and while I am not necessarily showing off to them, they can help remind me of all I’ve done…in spite of.

I say I didn’t know, but the truth is, I never gave myself permission to engage and allow all which is flowing through my life today. I still wish a certain 22 year old was with me, but I remind myself daily that I could not be doing any of this right now if he were. I also remind myself that money changes everything, and there is still time for more holidays where proximity is a thing.

Another reminder that this is why I am chosen, because it takes my experience to do this. Another reminder that the limitations of the delusional and mediocre do not define me. I still want to kick myself for it, but it got me here so instead thank you.