I haven’t gotten any of my kinky work done this week, none of it. There are reasons, some of them good but writing this down here is a reminder to me that I am not going to get this thing up and running if I am still fucking around with garage band.

I didn’t realize until about an hour ago it was Mother’s Day. Yes this day still sucks. I miss my munchkin more than anything. He’s good though and that’s what I want more than filling this void. A year ago I thought things would be different, they aren’t. So I have to live with what is, not what could have been. Besides, it hurts everyday, this Sunday in May is no different.

I’m wearing a nicotine patch. The hypnosis is making some progress but I think, no I know that there are other things here beyond the addiction and I also know that I have to keep forward. I feel it on my arm and it makes me want a cigarette. I am toughing it out so far though. Right now, I’m going to take this an hour at a time. It’s something that I know I can do, I’ve done it before. The hour will eventually turn into 2. Moving forward.

Did I tell you that my crush knows I like them? I feel like I did. As much as I freaked out and panicked, as much dialogue that went on in my head, I came to a realization last night in a haze that made all of this a lot simpler. Well not all of it, this is me remember? Ironically it was the song [and perhaps some of the weed] which made it click. I’m still going to feel what I feel but I have a work around which should let me navigate in a fashion that resembles a normal human being. This is good. I no longer own a mini van that I can crawl into he back of and hide for 3 hours so I needed to figure out something.

Speaking of figuring things out, one of the conclusions from the haze is my need to identify some things about my triggers. Triggers isn’t fair, but I don’t know what word to use in the moment. One of the inside voices reminded me about the process. It reminded me what happened when I ignore the process, apparently I needed that mental reminder. One of the other voices debated on how different this could and should be, and a third literally said sit down and shut up. If there is a wonder why I on occasion seem distracted, remember this paragraph which describes the voices in my head.

On occasions I can no longer number I have listened to others describe their feelings and gave them advice that on this day I claim for myself. Rule #1 is protect the property, Rule #2 is I am the property. Before I can consider this possibility, I have a process. The process was designed to put me in the best possible position to succeed. The process has eliminated some fucked up people before I became invested in them. When I ignored the process, when I took the opinion of someone who was not the property and allowed it to have more weight than my own process, the results were devastating. The backlash did not just hurt me, it hurt everyone that I love. It erased multiple decades of work and progress and accumulation of savings and property. It sped up the mental deterioration of my mother, slowed the development of my child, and put me in a place where I was almost successful in taking my own life.

This is not that. These people are not that. This is a scenario which cannot create the same results, it is impossible in a world where little is impossible. The process must stand though. It can be altered, slowed, expedited, a whole mess of other adjectives but it also must stand. This is not a hardening, but an observation.

Because today is such a weird day for me I suspect I will be rather quiet. I won’t ever get used to what this day has become over the last few years, but this one at least I will make something productive out of it. Even if that production is a nap, naps are productive this is my page I said it so its true!

Aphrodite Brown