In the light of the afternoon I am proud of my struggle post yesterday. I was typing with closed eyes, I was pretty tired. I even almost made sense. Good girl.

What I wanted to convey through the post though was that Friday was a day where I experienced some stuff. For many it doesn’t seem like a big deal, yet for me it can be. You’d have to have a more intimate knowledge of me to get it, but feelings got me fucked up. Feelings weren’t safe. Feelings were those things for other people because I knew the consequences of them, and some lessons I get right on the first try.

I woke up not needing a cigarette. I would eventually have one, shit I eventually had MANY as the day went on, but my hey there its another day yippee I made it moment didn’t end with me reaching for the pack.

I went to shower and thought to myself, hey girl you cute. Even while brushing my teeth and staring at the huge pimple on the tip of my nose, I liked my reflection. I felt so good I almost danced in the shower and then I remembered I am at that you might break a hip bitch age and just went back to wash and repeat.

I had good conversation with the roomie. We are at our best in conversations like that. It’s a reminder of what drew us together and that the tensions which exist are a reflection of just life and not some fundamental flaw which will nuke the whole thing. Yes, I have those moments. If you have not realized by now one of my superpowers is leaping at disturbing speed at the worst possible conclusion and remaining there longer than is prudent.

Even my music reflected a version of me that I like, Beyoncé. It’s hard to be mad when Beyonce is your soundtrack.

Shit work even started and I heard the music in my voice. It wasn’t the fake I am happy to talk to you type of music, it was the this is a good day Ice Cube music.

Things started to shift as I went through my emails – work emails and personal. I have an Ask Aphrodite that I am considering posting. Then panic and fear set in. There are things that are beyond my control. Hell, MOST things are beyond my control. I considered all of the possibilities of that work email and simply thought my summer was up in flames, the budget progress I am FINALLY getting a handle on was gone, and I had to stop myself from looking for places to run away to because running only means I will be tired when the problems meet me where I am.

They wanted to talk to me. This is how I know its deep, or the possibility of deep, I’m already protective of them here. As I said, I do not yet know what it looks like, but I want it. It very well may not be the relationship I am seeking, yet to miss out on any connection with this person seems to be a crime I am unwilling to commit. I have mom to thank for that. I avoided her and deprived myself of her and all which she is when I could have been out here on these streets sooner. Yes I have to admit that there was a version of me which would have rejected this and that some of this is a design beyond my ability to manipulate. Still though, she’s amazing and I have been asleep on amazing. Shame on me.

As the day wore on I bounced around a variety of feelings. All of them necessary in some ways, if for no other reason, to have them. Yes my composure can be kept, that doesn’t mean I have to not feel. It doesn’t mean that there is only 1 place/person/time I can feel. It’s ok.

At some point as I got ready for the munch I had the brilliant idea that I would sing a special song. You would have thought that they were there in that moment, because I went full on panic, what if they don’t like it, what kind of stupid stalker shit am I about to do here. I can imagine if they were there the bemusement on their face, and that makes me smile. Many things about them make me smile.

I forget to add my frustration that neither host would be on time for the munch. Blank stare. My excuse was I didn’t get off work until 730. I knew that though and said so in the announcements. What I could not plan for was the call I got on my way down the road, Adobe was closed. Thankfully I had a back up location in my back pocket. I plan for these things, even if I don’t always plan well. I had a back up ready to go, I still have anger though that people had to wait for that announcement. I won’t go into all the details that’s a personal conversation. I better know though that which I have to do so I am doing it.

I sang the song. I finally worked up the courage to watch the video, and it looks like even though the planned conversation on vulnerability didn’t happen, there was still a conversation. I looked at the girl on the video and I liked her. I can point out all her flaws, every note she missed, why she should have worn different shoes, why she should have kept her glasses on….yet that girl is a kick ass version of me. When I look at her I feel like I am seeing myself through someone else’s eyes. One of those people who tell me about the me they like, lust, admire, appreciate, love…those eyes. I like her. In that particular moment she allowed herself to feel. No one will ever confuse her for Aretha Franklin, yet what she was feeling you could see, you could hear, and maybe you felt too. What’s most important though is that SHE felt.

Aphrodite Brown