I started Vizionz in November of 2010. In all of the posts, over all of the time, I’ve shared any number of stories to make you laugh. Shit, some of them even made me laugh too. I can now add the tale of the night I leapt from the table with witnesses to the rotation.

I am sure that I earned the tease returning to the table with pink cheeks. I know I would do what was done unto me tonight so I won’t pick up any rocks.

Today was different. Not a bad different, it was a familiar different. One it’s been some time since I could recognize exactly what was happening.

With the absence of my Bonnie and Clyde the general state of existence in these parts is now what? It sounds so simple as I explain to others how they get there. It seems the insurmountable feat to take my own medicine. I know I will, after all I swallow. The personal process seems so much tougher though.

One of the reasons I was always so ready to return to The Man was it was a place that I could feel like I did today, literally feel.

I’ve been undergoing hypnosis to assist with tackling some personal things. By things I mean Marlboros. It seemed really simple, quit smoking reclaim my health and budget and move on. The reality, not as simple.

One of the issues we are tackling is the reason why I smoke, beyond the addiction. There’s levels to it and while I am not sure I can recall all of the things we are unpacking, I know that I woke this morning with the hypnotic suggestions still operating. I know it because of the impulses and I felt.

Hypnosis isn’t getting someone onstage to quack like a duck. It’s about allowing your subconscious to play a more active [or passive] role at least in this case. Some parts of the session I recall, others I do not, but this morning I felt.

I woke not feeling like I needed a cigarette. I looked in the mirror and saw things to compliment. I had some swagger back. All of those are known suggestions. The rest, I wasn’t ready for, but when has that ever stopped the things?

I was confident, happy, dare I say I even had joyous moments.

As the day wore on I was anxious but in an anticipatory way not a terror way. Further along I was annoyed, I felt fear. Further still I felt heard and cared for. More further I felt that 11 year old girl of me. Today was a wonderful roller coaster of emotions that I experienced without my ‘safe place’. I am still here to tell the tale so it wasn’t bad.

My Usain Bolt impression was to take a call from someone who will be important to me. How and where and why are not yet clear, but they will be significant. The munch tonight didn’t go as planned, but I still got to express vulnerability. Based on the reactions of those I was with, after they got their jokes off, I wear vulnerability well.

I sang a song. It wasn’t the perfect song but it was important, add libs and all. I even looked cute doing it.

I’m going to sleep on this and revisit tomorrow but I am not displeased with today. Not even when I got called a punk. That made me laugh out loud and that moment was good for my soul. It’s time I fed her – my soul – like I do the rest of me

Aphrodite Brown