Generally the Ask Aphrodite segment is a generalized lifestyle question, but this one I felt needed to be personal.

Over on the Book of Faces for a few weeks now there is an App which let’s you ask anonymous questions of your friends. Round one got fucking ugly for some. The questions presented to them had me questioning who they were letting on their friend list. I didn’t get any of those negative questions, shit I barely got questions at all. Thank you friends, I appreciate that you aren’t fake.

The second round I’ve gotten a few, some of them intimate. I had one today which set off a 20 minute crying jag, but I’m recovered now. I still think its just a couple of my nieces trying to make an Auntie not feel alone, but I will take it. They give a damn, which is more than most can say, and part of why I adore them.

One anonymous question piggy backed off a call I participated in the other night. I stayed up way pasta my bedtime but it was worth it. I explained that I never entered into a relationship with the intention of it ending. The question presented to me today was how could I seek a lifetime relationship and be anti marriage at the same time.

First let me say….again. I am not anti marriage. Marriage is not a goal for me. I was taught that it should be one, society judges me because I haven’t done it, but that doesn’t make me anti marriage. I am anti allowing clergy and other religious leaders to perform a ceremony that is recognized by the government but that is a political tangent. Still not anti marriage though.

I’ve been engaged more than once. I would have actually gone through with it once. Those relationships didn’t work out but that doesn’t mean I planned for them to end. My first engagement I thought that I was in love, and it seemed like the logical next step. I hadn’t allowed myself to consider that there doesn’t have to be a next step. He asked I said yes. Turns out I was not in love, and towards the end I didn’t even like him anymore. That was more about me though than him, my lack of maturity and understanding. My lack of self awareness.

I’ve had other relationships and engagements since then, but thankfully I was more woke than that first time around. Those other times fell apart for various reasons, but I never intended for them to end. They did though, and that’s ok. I don’t have to reconcile going into a relationship with the intention of a life partnership so to speak with my lack of interest in being married. The two are not in conflict for me. I can commit to that purpose without a marriage certificate. Others may not be able to handle that but I can.

I can’t say that I seek a lifetime relationship though. That is a level of planning that I haven’t done seriously for about 10 years. It’s more than the incident, rather it is about not feeling that compulsion which causes me to stand. It’s not that I haven’t loved those I’ve been with in that time period, its that specific ‘thing’ that I can recognize now which hasn’t been there. I believe in it though which is how The Rock [a nickname not actually Dwayne Johnson] and I ended up on a date. I still believe in that thing and I am willing to take a chance on it again.

This planning thing though, I am investigating how that looks for me. It would be a stark departure from how I’ve historically done things. If I believe that I can create my own destiny, and yes that concept is taking hold again…then why not also with this part of that destiny. Yes I likely have more years behind me than ahead of me, but do I not deserve for those years to be magnificent? I mean I’ve had plenty of the other, why not try something else.

I do fear dreaming though. That is a hard habit to break. It doesn’t mean I won’t be successful, it just means I have to keep making these decisions until they are natural and muscle memory.

So yes I have started to imagine what a ‘partner[s]’ looks like for me. I’ve also started doing the work to attract that into my life. As always I will keep you posted.

Right now, I am going to lay down and not fight my dreams.

Aphrodite Brown