“…..The grand facade so soon will burn without a noise without my pride I reach out from the inside – Gabriel

It’s been a minute since I used this category. I’m not even going to look to see the last post because it would likely depress me to see how long it’s been since I allowed myself these kinds of moments.

Forward.

I could chop up and serve a think piece on how that moment from that movie, the one that song is from is problematic. I could tell you how romantic I thought it was back when I didn’t know what romance looked like for me.

I could write about that song and the connections it took to have it in the front of my mind.

Instead I am going to do something different. I am going to talk about defense mechanisms. Those words sound so industrial and cold and I don’t think they really do justice to the heavy lifting that one’s subconscious puts in to keep them in place.

They are not a bad thing. We all need levels of them, for some of us though they can also stunt growth. I am us.

A friend and I were discussing my smoking. They said something that they didn’t want to say because of how harsh it sounded, but they were not wrong. It led to a conversation about the work I am currently doing and how all of this is connected.

I rarely feel brave, but I know many who know parts of my story who would disagree. I won’t argue, instead I will just say that I have moments internally where I need to have more fortitude. I am working on it.

I recorded a song. Not in the studio like I did all of those years ago, but still. It’s not even that I have never recorded myself singing. I do it all of the time for the munch, but that song was different. Is different. It started off as a grand gesture that I thought was for someone, and I was right…I just didn’t realize that someone was me.

I hope the person who got the video enjoyed it. In that moment it was about them, and they are connected to it in a sense. The dots would not have turned into an arrow pointing me in a direction if they were not so extraordinary. I mean I am kind of flawed in that area, I am grateful they are there to illuminate.

It took a day but I watched that video and I’ve played it at least once a day since then. I will slow down on that at some point, but I need that reminder for the moment. I’ve mentioned that there are things which I am going to have to keep doing until they are ‘natural’ for me and that is one of them. I have to keep seeing that version of me, that version all of YOU see, until I realize that she is me, and I don’t have to remind myself of that anymore.

So me and subconscious me are having lots of conversations, working on those defense mechanisms I’ve put into place. I can’t erase the why they were necessary, that would require a time machine and Steve Rogers isn’t breaking time to have a dance with me. Besides, he shaved the beard. He is officially now 1% less sexy.

I have to admit that right now I have fear. Some things I suspected became evident over the weekend and it is going to mean some alterations. Truth told, I am not ready for them. In a perfect world I need a good six months to put this plan into action, but I don’t have that. I am not even sure I have six weeks. It was something I ‘knew’ was going to have to happen leaving the Summer House, I guess I just thought that I would have more time. I don’t though, and I am not trying to risk the universe upping the ante to force this movement.

It puts all of my projects on hold, but I have to trust that they will still work out. That I am still on the path I am supposed to be on right now, and that what I supposed to do will be done. I can’t say historically I’ve had that faith, in myself at least. One of my defense mechanisms is to figuratively shut down. I won’t allow myself to do that this time. I am stronger than the narrative I tell myself, I am worthy.

I worry what things will look like on the other side. I worry about the dominos that will fall. As I shared with a different friend today though, I have to choose ME. Every negative Nelly thought I can conjure is swirling right now though, telling me I am a bad friend, that I am breaking a promise, that I am over reacting, that I should be doing anything else but this. Yet, I look at the words, of my conversation today, at the words to this song, and to the notice of the death of someone I called friend and remind myself that time is not promised, and I have less left than I used to have. I remind myself that I did not go through all that’s happened to me, not just over the last few years but ALL of it for this story to end in the blue room with me being buried and those left to recall me speaking of my potential vs who I was.

I don’t precisely know who that woman is on the other side of this, but I want to meet her. I am sure she looks a lot like the girl in the video. That girl in the video is amazing. She looks like me.

Aphrodite Brown