One thing I am unsure Americans realize is that changing a therapist can be a good thing. No you don’t want to start all over and mix up the salad dressing bottle but sometimes you might need a new brain to help you sift. Of course you can be like some people I know in life who imagine they don’t need therapy because every thing the therapist says is stuff that they already know. But doesn’t that kinda answer the question? If you already know “what is wrong” and the “answer to how to fix it” but you haven’t yet done that might professional assistance not be a possible solution? Anyhoo… for a person like myself switching from someone who specializes in trauma and PTSD and graduating in a sense to someone else can be a good thing.

I was crying in the first 5 minutes but I will give myself a little grace on that. Otherwise the first visit was pretty good. It means I am shifting from one level and experience to something which makes a little more sense for where I am in life.

She asked why was I crying and the answer was the office was a safe space to cry. Even in the Valley I still have to put on a version of a mask. My ability to survive requires it and that mask can be heavy at times. In the office I don’t have to do that. I might want to at times but I resist that instinct because I understand at the end of things the only person that injures is me and I don’t want to injure myself.

I almost bright her to tears as well and that was a little unsettling. I am used to the person on the other side of the ‘couch’ to have a poker face but she did not. It was not disqualifying it was just new and as I am frequently reminded here in California new is not the enemy. Another new-ish moment was the discussion about my health. We talked about how restoring my body is a part of the process to balanced mental health and I agreed. I did not expect to agree but I suppose that is attached to other things. I feel different. Somewhat because of all the new diagnosis but also because this is one of those moments in time where I get to express and implement that which I speak.

I said earlier I am still a coach even if I am only coaching myself at the moment and that remains the truth. Not seeing clients takes a toll financially but why have money if I am spending it on doctors and not enjoying my life?

A question was asked that my immediate response was no but the underlying why behind the no requires exploration. I will explore it but in the other journal for now. This entry and those like it are about me getting my reps back up, reclaiming my space and owning my own story. The sausage making need not be displayed right now. I will save that for when I am back up to full strength.