I wasn’t sure I would do an entry today but I need a break before I tackle this bedroom. I am super happy about the rest of the house though. It hasn’t gotten out of hand, I am lots better about that. I am also proud of that. I know how it can get, and I haven’t allowed it. Work is a part of it, but most of it is just ME. Me refusing to fall back into old habits even though the depression is right next to me.

My only ‘regret’ if there is one, is the bathroom. It isn’t dirty but I really do take for granted living alone. The empty spaces I took pride in when he might walk through the door at any moment aren’t there. I can do better, and I shall.

I just need a brief break, then back to business.

I am headed outside today. I don’t do that nearly as much as I should, and I ought to change that but I don’t know if I shall in the immediate future. Right now, that is a pride thing. I think of how I might react being out, alone and running into him outside of someplace like the market and my ego isn’t ready for the guilt of that. I am not without my flaws, and that is one but I am not yet fixing it.

I woke this morning to a text from Iron Man. It was a happy surprise.

The difference between Iron Man and mediocre….180.

mediocre happened because I needed to break the drought. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I wasn’t terribly attracted to him, but we’d flirted. That day he’d expressed interest, and I had nothing better to do. It was me getting my swag back I thought.

I sent him home to shower, he returned and we chatted. And chatted. And chatted. I realized, somewhere around the 8th ‘that’s crazy’, I didn’t actually want to have sex with him. I wanted to have sex, and he was the one who was there so I was determined.

It felt like hours he kept talking. I sat here, in this chair I am now typing in, and questioned who I was. Was there something about me that was so desperate that I’d put myself into that situation. The answer was yes, and I think that answer was the best way to get over the old man is to get under a new one. This new one was a stupid choice.

He was passive. He also did not know what the word passive meant.

I am unused to that. The men I fuck, in the general sense, want me and show they want me. Have there been exceptions? Of course, yet my recent track record before I gave up the random for Lord Voldemort , was that they wanted me. This man presented to me like he didn’t and it was a struggle.

Old me would have given him the boot but desperate me needed to feel attractive.

Thing is? I felt the opposite.

I eventually got him into the bedroom and the deed happened. I just got fed up, tossed him a condom and bent over. It was over quick enough, I in my eternal knowledge of myself made sure I came 3 times. He didn’t contribute much to that, and at the end of it all I felt ….worse.

I languished in that for weeks really. That bothered me the experience.

Iron Man? Was ready from our hello.

That is what was refreshing about the text this morning. Knowing he would not see me today, letting me know he was thinking about me, that he desired me and looked forward to tomorrow. Combine that with his performance when I am in front of him naked? It’s restorative, even when I am exhausted the next day and look like I was rode hard and hung up wet.

Enough of this, have to finish the bedroom because I am going to have company in it. I feel kinda silly that I am putting new sheets on the bed for the damage they are going to receive, but it’s a good problem to have.

Much better that what is coming Tuesday.

But Tuesday is not here, so I will live for today.