3 years ago tomorrow there is a day marked on my calendar. It is titled The day I asked Daddy what it would take to be his.

I have quite a few days like that on my calendar. Memories of moments which were monumental to me in the moment, and today aren’t celebrated with the person who inspired the entry. November 8 is one of those days. It was the day Kahlil collared me in his living room in West Philly. He would later deny that happened, and I almost chuckle at that considering my current circumstance.

I expected I would be a wreck tomorrow, and that still could happen. I doubt it will though. While I am sad still at the reality that he was not my happily ever after, I am not a wreck.

I still miss my best friend. At least a dozen times a day there will be a moment that historically I would have shared with him, laughed with him, vented with him, planned with him. I stop and catch my breath in those moments and move on. The alternative is not acceptable.

The little one helps, she helps a lot. I could not have gotten to this moment to type this without her love and expectations. I also could not have gotten here without her need. Not unlike how Clyde kept me moving in breakup after breakup with his name sake, she keeps me moving in this time.

I have work, and a goal at work. While it’s still not the place that I will land for ‘good’, it is keeping things together in the moment and for that I am grateful.

I met Iron Man. He’s working tonight which is why I am typing this instead of riding him.

While the little one has kept me from dropping too low, Iron Man is keeping me from doing something stupid like dropping the restraining order. The universe provides and in this time the universe has provided me with people around me to remind me that my life doesn’t end even when the calendar shows me what could have been.

There are some dates on the calendar that are just a wash and I accept that what that day will look like because the pain of it remains raw. Halloween is one of those days.

Tomorrow I don’t expect to be one of those days though.

I get to do something tomorrow that I’ve wanted to do literally for years. I am finally going to be in the space of someone I know from the computer screen, and be a part of history.

I also will make a stop in Richmond to work on my replacement Gohonzon. I will need assistance hanging it, but it will return. I have the rest of the altar set up and it’s shifted the energy for the better. I still don’t have the bookcase assembled. I had a super petty thought about how to make that happen, but I don’t think I will pull that trigger.

There is a credit card in the mail. Yeah.

It is a reminder of just how far I’ve come since 2014, when I couldn’t even open a bank account.

Despite Lord Voldemort’s actions, I am not broken. I am a little off kilter but not broken.

Tonight I would normally finish cleaning up the house, but I have an upstairs neighbor again so I won’t be running the vacuum but I should be able to do everything else. I plan to, because when Iron Man gets off work I don’t want to worry about anything but naked deviancy.

I’m having the sex Lord Voldemort and I planned to have, with a 34 year old, with 4% body fat, who can breathe through his ears. Not a bad trade off considering how low things were with mediocre. Yeah that was a very low point, and I don’t know if I will expand on that here. It feels like being too exposed and vulnerable here, but it very well might happen, just not in this post.

Forward.