It is summertime in the city and it is hot. It is only July 10 so that means there is a very long summer ahead of us, of me.

There a few modifications from last summer. One of the things about finally admitting that June 30 would not happen was making sure that I would be more comfortable this summer than last. A couple air conditioners, a lot of ice and let’s get ready to ride through September.

I haven’t set a new date. There is not really a point as life has presented a set of circumstances that prevents creating a new date. I shared with him that there was a shift. I am struggling to not drop all of that shift in this very moment because that would be more than I am prepared to deal with in the moment.

At least I know my limitations.

In theory I will be on a plane in 2 weeks and some of the questions I’ve had will have the opportunity to be answered. I do need answers, I ask myself if I need them today. In theory I do. There is a version of me which would have demanded those answers months ago. Unyielding and determined to find the flaw so escape is possible. I am not looking for the escape, I am looking to stay. Since I am looking to stay I do what I am good at, I give all the space in the world to make alterations and concessions. Because I want to be here. I really want to be here.

I don’t know if I can wait that long though. My behavior is not supporting that in the moment and I have not figured out to align my behavior to support my desire to stay. Yet I want to stay.

I’ve gone over this again and again and again and I keep coming back to the same static point. I dislike static.

I absolutely want to take this trip, but I also fear that at the conclusion of this trip other conclusions are going to happen. It’s been a odd winter, where I picked up a baby girl and was given permission to imagine a life that I had not prior. It’s going to be a hot summer figuring out what the next is.

or 2 weeks.

One thing I have promised myself is that I am not going to celebrate a victory that hasn’t happened or mourn a loss that hasn’t happened. I am going to stand in this moment.

and that is fucking hard Constant Reader