The past 72 hours have been trying in ways I haven’t experienced for a while. I think that the closest moment is in the early moments, resisting, screaming, crying, yelling.

This moment is different and that is not a bad thing.

I struggle with things in ways that I tell myself I should not, because no one is better at beating myself up than me. I’ve made a lot of progress and more is ongoing but these times still happen. I don’t fear them as I used to but I still question them.

I signed up for a thing – the Flame Conference. Online like lots of things are as Corona runs the streets unchecked, and a full weekend of stuff. The lifestyle isn’t just something I put on, it is a part of all of me and impacts everything. I think this is why when things are off balance even the slightest with the Daddy person that everything else feels wrong.

I got the laundry downstairs, opened the laptop, poured the coffee and recalled, hey I spent money on this thing. I hopped into one of the rooms, power exchange soup it was written on the program. I needed everything these 30 year olds are saying right now as I type. On the edge of consent it turns out to be the title.

I listened to this couple living the life together I am waiting to have and it triggered envy. I am really and truly stuck on getting that yt woman out of my bed and I have to ask myself why is that my focus?

That’s something I will unpack outside of these pages, but yeah I need to tackle that.

What I am currently proud of though is that even with all of the angst I have rolling through these veins, my response is not how I would historically manage it. This thing is complex and always moving and there is a joy in that.

Right now though, I just truly miss the shit out of him and I am tired of Philadelphia winter.

Yet like a moth to a flame, here I am.