Life comes at you fast.

It’s almost January 20 and noon can’t get here soon enough for me. It’s stressful waiting to see what new yt supremacist fuckery is going to happen. Mind you after January 20 there will still be fuckery, but more like fuckery light.

I know who I am, and what I do. What I am still trying to figure out is what that looks like as I begin to pack for the trip.

The past six weeks or so somethings have been in the works and I got to see it manifest Thursday. It was glorious on so many levels. I woke Friday thrilled. I woke Saturday in a funk. There we so many contributing factors to the funk I can’t put my finger on just one thing. I had to listen and ask myself some questions though. I need to be clear on what I am experiencing because this won’t be the last time this happens.

Watching the playback – which I’ve done a handful of times already now – I’m pleased. It is what I wanted to happen, for everyone involved. The result is what I hoped for. I can nitpick about some ‘technical’ details but the bottom line is what I wanted to happen, happened.

Did I feel a twinge of envy? Yes. After all October 21, 2019 was a looooooong time ago.

What did I feel mostly though? Satisfaction, pleasure, gratitude.

The road to get to Thursday was paved in a lot of planning, a lot of deliberation, a lot of revelation and those things prompt questions.

The end result of those questions remains, this is where I want to be, but Old Nicole still wants answers to some of those questions.

So while the current me understands no matter what the responses are it changes nothing, the old me wants to ask those questions. I dropped a video last night, the first one in about 2 months. I asked a couple of those questions. I won’t have an answer to them right away- if ever. That will take some getting used to, the reality that sometimes the answer is no answer.

I was finally able to share some of the things that have stuck with me over the past year. There really are things about the current which don’t sit right with me. They may not sit right, but they don’t make me uncomfortable enough to roll out so here I am.

Here I am.

I haven’t had the energy or inclination to do a lot these past few weeks, and today doesn’t look much different, but I will reset and I will make things happen.

I understand that some of the questions are about ME and wondering if I am enough. I am.

What I also am? Committed. Not just to the concept but the reality. The reality is that there’s not ever been a person I’ve invested in who’s been this good of a fit. The reality is there is no place else I’d rather be.

The scarier reality is that I have what I’ve always wanted, so now what to do I dream about.