I had a conversation last night that sent my anxiety on tilt. This was after having the girl crush shout me out. This was before my body refusing to rest before midnight arrived and I could say happy anniversary. I asked for this, the ability to feel again and as always the universe provided.

The universe delivered in a different manner this morning, a phone call from a friend. It’s okay to call her my friend, she is. Our connection is flawed but no connection is perfect.

I woke this morning with both a smile and some melancholy. It’s been quite some time since I’ve spent a year doing anything other than motherhood. Today I celebrate that one year ago he said yes. In typical Daddy fashion he didn’t quite ‘get’ it right away, but when he did he did it right. Yes I am super biased but he doesn’t make a lot of mistakes. He makes them, and some might say I am too forgiving, but if I cannot extend grace to him who do I give it to?

I sat in that room in Baltimore in August of 2019 and decided what I wanted my life to be. The universe dropped him in my figurative lap and we’ve moved forward since then. I won’t lie and say it’s been simple. I will tell all of the truth and say it’s been worth it. Even as I sit and type and think about all that I have to accomplish in the next seven months, I have a gratitude for the last 12 I never quite saw coming.

“Thought of all my love for you makes me want to cry” – Beyonce

It’s a song about a girl who loves a boy, and this morning it is also a song about a girl who loves herself.

I am prepared. For what you ask? Everything.

I didn’t think that I could get to this point. Contentment. I don’t want that to be confused with complacency, that I am not. I still want more. I will have more. I am more. I am also enough.

“With you next to me there’s no darkness I can’t overcome”- Beyonce

While this relationship is the healthiest I’ve ever embarked on, and feeds me in ways that I didn’t know hunger existed, I speak to myself with that line. There’s lots of ‘dark’ in my history. There may be some in my future. In my NOW there is just …..me. Me is pretty well equipped to handle all of it. Even the happiness, which is a new addition to the roster.

I’d grown so used to the negative, convinced I would never see the positive. Caught in an infinity loop of pain that anything other than it was immediately rejected because it was so unfamiliar. 2020 the year of WTF, has another WTF moment: Nicole living. Nicole loving. Nicole celebrating an anniversary.

One down, 40 or more to go.