Last night was different than the Friday before. I fell asleep watching one of the Sex & the City movies. I prefer Daddy to be honest. I’m typing at the dining room table though feeling a little like Carrie Bradshaw. A cool version though, with curves. Once upon a time I thought that blogging would pay the bills. It never has but it’s always kept me somewhat sane. I know what pays the bills now though and in a sense, I will be like the fictional Carrie doing that which I love for a living.

He said I have to talk next time. I didn’t necessarily jump for joy at that declaration but he’s never asked me to jump. I realized that I fell into one of my old habits, avoidance. It made me ask what was I avoiding? I told the story – the once upon a time I was gonna move to the West Coast story. That darkness was not pleasant to re-visit. His response was I will prove to you I live here. Hunh?

I am ‘over’ that incident. Over is special because in a sense I will never be over it, but fearing that I am making the same mistake? That part is waaay over. We are real in a way that that girl who used to love that man never were. I don’t fear this is a lie, or a trap. Even if it was I understand that I am strong enough to endure it. It’s not though and that is a very good thing.

Seven days from now, I will be in recovery. The uterus will be gone. Even that brings up memories, thoughts of a time when I made a different reproductive alteration and what happened after. I don’t regret that surgery, and I certainly won’t regret this one. I am simply looking at the events as they’ve played out and noting it. It does kind of make me wonder why it requires the presence of another to make these moves, but the fact remains the moves are being made and I won’t bitch because it is for the better.

For the first time in a year just about I went almost a full day without talking to him. I dislike it.

He’s camping and I want that for him, that fun and release. I don’t even want to be camping with him. I just want the woods to have Internet. It does not.

The words affordable housing were shared and it made my blood run cold and my pussy wet at the same time. There are still a handful of things that need to happen that are beyond me. It will. I will.

I’m gonna wrap this up and work on the other website.

Forward.