“I look forward to you meeting her.”

It was just about a year ago. I was on Payson St, wondering what the hell I was going to do next. The relief of escaping the Summer House was waning and it settled in that I needed to make a plan. I was in a strange city, it was time to sink or swim. I haven’t learned to swim in a body of water, but I am Michael Phelps in the area of life.

I knew that I wasn’t going back to Philly right away, and I was determined to give Baltimore a chance. I never gave it all that I had, I gave it more than I gave my hometown though and that brought rewards which are still paying off.

I still had the lessons gifted me from MM and I put them to work. It brought Daddy back front and center to my mind and space and while the rest is history the details of that history have yet to be written out here. The greater concept is what is more important. I understood that while Payson St was my chance to prove the narrative I’d told myself was fiction, I also understood that being ‘alone’ was not productive to this next step.

It’s not that I was unhappy being single. I am good single. It was about the exposure and vulnerability of being a relationship I needed for the next expansion. It was identifying what I wanted vs what I did not want that needed learning. In the relative solitude of Payson St I never factored into the equation what it would look like to bring it all together.

I understood and still do that like everything else what is created will stand and what is harmful will be removed. This week’s lesson takeaway is that the people around me, may change yet again.

That is not unusual, the circle always changes.

I’ve got to think about the kink people I fuck with, how they became ‘my people’ as someone once tossed my way as a jab.

It’s not an accident that the people who I choose happen to also be kinky. A long time ago I committed to not segregating my life and that will remain. Newcomers will get all of me to accept or reject.

I got to revisit the names and faces that have come and gone over the years. From a man who I thought I would fall in love with and realize I don’t even like him all that much. From the Philly 4 who were the 4 Horsemen and are now 4 corners. To the women who created my place of authenticity, and I thought one day we would be inseparable to watching them from afar now, still with respect and affection but also acceptance that the closeness I thought was coming hasn’t. Doesn’t mean that it wont only that as of today it has not.

There is the woman who was there when I leaned fully into the power of sucking dick.

There is the man who made me appreciate wolves which is not simple for a feline such as myself.

Lots of people have appeared, many others are no longer instrumental. Instead of mourning that loss I am celebrating what we did.

I have things to consider this morning though. What friendship now looks like when I have to factor in Daddy.

I know the optics of it, and I know the dangers of burning bridges for penis.

I started this on Saturday, finishing on Sunday and the sentiment hasn’t changed, so it is more true. This moment where I have to figure out who comes with ‘us’ isn’t that.

One of the things that happen in this lifestyle is that the right side of the slash like me tends to think that the left side of the slash like him of having their best interest at heart. In a perfect world that is how it happens, and in the real world it does not always play out in that way. I have personal experience knowing it does not always happen that way. I have priors who used the words to say this is for your own good, yet the reality was it was for their own amusement. This is not that.

Those who ‘make’ it are the ones who are going to be best for us. Best in multiple ways, and hopefully we will be best for them.

That takes me back to the conversation which happened with the 3 of us, and I have thoughts, no questions just thoughts.

I keep being reminded of how this is different, this is what I earned and deserve. How REAL this is.

When I think about it the fullness makes me want to burst. It makes me want to question how or why this happened to me. And yes I know that is the old me but I don’t fully know how to embrace this brave new world.

I took time to identify what I wanted, the universe gave it to me. I actually manifested this.

It took vulnerability to expose myself to this, and requires it ongoing to maintain it. Even intellectually understanding that this was the law of manifestation in action, I waited, somewhat patiently, for the other shoe to drop. That along the way the flaw would appear and it would be proven that I don’t get the happy ending. He is certainly flawed, but that is not a barrier to our future.

I was afraid that he would love me.

Yes I was.

I was afraid that he could not love me.

Yes I was.

I was afraid of so many things and none of those fears mattered.

What does matter is that I trust my heart. My brain which created this moment for me. That I trust this man who unlike any other man, and I mean any other man, has proven the trust is well placed.

It’s almost weird to trust, yet I am learning, girl is learning.

Now I have to walk back to the conversation and create a conversation.

I also have to admit what I want today is not what I thought I wanted. He told me to own her as he would and I have no desire for that. Perhaps I will with a different person, but with her? I do not. The occasional meet and beat but the responsibility of ownership nope.

Why he wants that for me? I have not asked, but it’s easier to trust his vizion on this.

Our vizion I should say.