I cannot recall specifically what it was I was attempting to read but I could not. I turned on the light, then I got out the spotlight on the phone. I used the long arm short arm trick. I squinted. What I did not do was get out of the bed and get my eyeglasses. After working more than 8 hours a day at the monitors last week more than once I had terrible headaches.

I realized those are the same glasses I had when I lived in the shelter. Take care.

No wonder I feel blind all the time. So I made an eye doctor appointment. Then I made a GYN appointment. Then I made a therapy appointment. Today I selected a PCP and made that appointment. I’ve done a lot of good work for myself nad what I have not done is back that up with the actions. The GYN was a no brainer. I am almost back at diaper levels. the iron isn’t helping any more. I put it off while in Baltimore because there was no one to take care of me. When I left Pottstown for the Summer House, I briefly thought now I can get this done. Then I left the Summer House for Payson St and doing it there was really not possible. I’m not in any of those places now, and I’m not having to schedule it around a visit because a visit is not possible before my birthday so it back to Operation Get Nicole’s Uterus out the paint. I’m in a place it can happen now so I will make it happen.

I thought back to why haven’t I done this before now. It’s a reminder of while I am so much better at living, I still have to learn HOW to live. It’s also okay to admit I might need some guidance there it’s not a failure.

Daddy is also a trigger for that. The truth is though, even if there were no Daddy I’d be doing this. THAT is a fucking win.

I neglected my health caring for Bonnie & Clyde. I neglected my health after the incident. While I was fixing everything else this past year I didn’t really stop and work on getting a health snapshot. That is changing. The weight, is a thing also, I put back on 20 pounds. The weight can go though, I’ve now shown myself how to do it. I am not totally sure how that’s going to look to him, but we will work that out. He want’s me around for a long time, and I want to be around him for a long time. If that means I’m slightly less fat I think we can BOTH live with it.

What I did not do was make a dental appointment. I’m better, just not THERE yet. I confessed that today. He has a way of making me just say shit I would normally keep to myself. I explained why, and told the truth, I do not think I can do it.

He said: “If I were there, I’d escort you to the dentist myself.”

My mind immediately pictured a kicking and screaming me being tossed over his shoulder and taken into the dental office. My mind did NOT go immediately to his intention: this is hard for you so hopefully my presence will make it less hard and I can be a comfort for you.

This is a part of why the therapy appointment. Like the time he told me when I didn’t feel well at the beginning of this pandemic if I had shortness of breath to go to the fucking doctor and I cried and asked him not to curse at me.

He wasn’t yelling he wasn’t chastising. He was telling me to not take a chance and seek immediate care for something that could harm me. Again it was an immediate reaction based on traumatic history. It’s a part of that history which led to our day long conversation on Saturday and made me take a deep hard look at just how vulnerable I am really being. I AM being vulnerable, and I can be MORE vulnerable. He’s made it clear it is time for more. He’s shared more as well. I watch the two of us shed our layers of protection and realize, this is a first for both of us. The two of us who’ve both lived lives where the bulk of our firsts are historic not futuristic.

We were all naked on Saturday and he and I were the most naked of all.

The boss let it drop that the Austin office is about to expand significantly. I thought to myself, you should go there and lead that team so I can have Phoenix. Phoenix might not be California but its closer to where I want to be. His company has offices in Tempe. We can make Phoenix work. Even if that isn’t a possibility I still want Phoenix over Philly. I want to close this distance. So I will.