I’m a girl who likes words. I really like words. I also like chocolate cake, but I like words.

One of the things about this time in my life is that I never seem to be able to catch my breath so to speak. I mean I am obviously breathing, I am typing, but I am presented with one thing after another after another and well….yesterday was really one of those days.

I went into yesterday still reeling from Wednesday. What happened Wednesday you ask? We unlocked the next achievement in the things Nicole doesn’t do, shattered that beyond repair, added a layer of terror, tossed in some love and adoration, threw about some personal conflicts and welcomed you are not as vulnerable as you think you are but you will be. Then Thursday arrived – blank stare.

Since my outreach, just about a year ago now, I’ve asked myself if this was a mistake, maybe twice. Lola might disagree, but she would be mistaking my frustration at shedding my former self with wondering if I made the right choice. I spent a lot of time in those early weeks after October actively revisiting that which I chose. I did it so much he was obligated to ask me if I was sure. That was my moment. After that I’ve never questioned if this was the right thing. I’ve spent the rest of the time marveling at all of the new me and enjoying her. I’ve also spent some time being terrified of her.

One of the things I’ve worked on is not being a passive participant in this life of mine. I’ve taken the wheel a few times now and managed to not run into the brick wall. This time is about learning new lessons, about rewriting the narrative in m y head, and it’s coming along. I wonder if it can be faster because right now all of this feels passive. The truth is that it is not, but without knowing where the finish line rests it’s hard to feel otherwise.

In a moment of extreme frustration I spoke to him about an issue. His response was seduce them. If you knew him you’d understand the magic of that conversation. In what will not be a common occurrence I didn’t implement right away. In what will not be a common occurrence I wasn’t penalized for taking the moment. I’m only now beginning to wrap my head around what that displays.

I woke this week just doing that which he said do, and by Friday the evidence of his precognition was manifesting. Tuesday I was in a weird place, by Tuesday night I was looking at a situation I’ve seen before, a lot really in my last weeks in Baltimore and I leaned into the lessons I learned then. The reward was the Universe providing as she always does. Then the next thing was what prompted the Root and Server conversation. I haven’t fully processed that though. I haven’t had the time because after that 12 other things happened all which show me what I’m in for and welp…no refunds.

The training folder has sat empty for a while now. It is not any longer. I’ve watched the video in it a dozen times at least.

I sat on this porch Wednesday night openly weeping at the situation. Resolving to keep forward. I woke Thursday morning failing to comprehend what was presented to me, on this Saturday morning after seeing another video, this one in the mine folder a jumble of emotions.

I’d re-visited a prior relationship, I still have the emails. I still have one particular email where I was told I was closed and I was not vulnerable. A decade later I can admit that he was right, and perhaps the time will come I will say that to him. I applauded that I was not making that mistake this time and the Universe brought me last night and said are you sure bitch?

So the response is still I will not make that mistake.

And I have not yet revisited last night’s video. I will. Because that nakedness is what I need to see, it’s what I need to have. It’s weird to not compare, and it’s also weird to not feel jealous.

What is not weird is how I feel. I feel vindicated and unworthy and superior all at the same time.

Last night was a reminder, even up to the furniture conversation, this is where I am supposed to be, this is what I should be doing, that all of this is correct. All of it is correct, and still. Still.

This morning when I ask myself what have I signed up for, I respond living.