So, someone asked me what happened to X.  My assumption is nothing and everything.

I don’t always share the details of my separations. Sometimes they are painful, others they are just TOO personal. I don’t always want you to see that side of me despite my frequent over shares here.

I am ok with this though because it is an opportunity to show that I am  an old bitch with some new tricks.

X caught me off guard. I wasn’t looking for any type of connection that wasn’t physical with anyone. I still am not looking for that.

When he swooped into my life I was not trying to get chose.

I think I shared how he got my phone number, he ‘tricked’ me into it.  At Greyhound I had an office but I was never in it.  My ability to sit at a desk was not a part of what I did.  I was always on the floor, always on the move, always making the magic happen.  Even if I were able to sit at my desk? I had no idea what the phone number was.  Most people including drivers and employees called the 800 number to get transferred to the terminal after 4pm.

I got into the habit of giving out my cell number because if you needed me that was really the only way to get me.  X works in a department that had to frequently reach the supervisor, and that was me.  I thought he was asking for business purposes, he was not.

That move caught my attention, along with the subsequent text messages. It’s really hard to catch my attention and he managed to hold it for more than 39 seconds. Every conversation led to more intrigue. Every exchange showed me in theory this was the type of man I was open to if not looking for at the time.

Our infatuation though brief revealed to me that even though I no longer prioritize that portion of myself, it’s still there.

Our infatuation though brief brought a lot of reality and a lot of disclosure. I know things about this man that I could contain in two emails and blow his entire world apart.  I won’t of course, but I am attempting to convey that it wasn’t just superficial, building was happening.

It’s better overall that we ended, rather he ended our infatuation.  Yes he ended it. I have to say that because until I shifted, I was adjusting my life as if he were going to be a part of it. One of the things I will explain very early on is absence and inactivity will not make me appreciate you.  I saw signs and kept powering through, because that is what I do.  I am much more likely to remain in a less than satisfactory relationship than leave because when I commit, I go all out.

He ended things very simply, he stopped showing up.

I could write pages about the trauma that happens in these cases. How there is something so very wrong with me that people just disappear from my life, but I instead will just be thankful for a moment.

I saw a pattern of behavior that I knew could harm me and I made the on purpose decision to avoid it.

Yes I want to know why, but not at the expels of my progress and health.

A part of that is my limited investment in X.  He was someone who COULD have been important to me, but he wasn’t there yet.  There were specific things that needed to happen to seal the bond that didn’t occur.

I ask myself if they had would me actions still be the same?

I blocked his number.  Sure he had other ways to reach me, but the blocking of the number is signifigant to me. To my headspace and progress. If October 18, 2010 taught me nothing else it showed me how susceptible I am to old habits.

In a matter of less than 100 words from Gei I was back in that cycle which was my greatest pleasure and 2nd worst pain.

Of course how could I possibly KNOW that it was coming, there was no warning.

Still I understand that I have tendencies. I can’t necessarily call them weaknesses but I understand them enough to know how to avoid repeating history. Blocking X was my way of saying October 18, 2010 would never happen again.

So what happened? Someone who cares would have to ask him.  He made the decision to halt contact. After a few days, I made the decision to solidify his decision. I made it clear that there was a time limit that would afford him the opportunity  to explain. I stuck to that time limit.

While I miss the feelings he reawakened I also understand that it’s not really as uncommon as I once thought. Like Tempest said, it happens.

It will happen again, and that time hopefully will be a better fit. If not the world keeps rotating.

I learned how to not put myself in a position that allows someone unwilling to treat me the way I deserve in a position of power.

Yes I need everything that was awakened, but I need more to get it from a source that is not polluted.

In the interim, I can go back to hoeing. That is acceptable.

 

Aphrodite Brown