Its been quite a long time since that number made an appearance. I’ve had some help hitting that number but the hardest work is internally.

I remember back in the day I started a Tumblr. It was supposed to be the story of me after i turned 40. I did not know all of the things that would happen to derail that version I thought I was creating. One of the earliest posts on that old Tumblr was me unpacking the disconnect between me being a fat chick and the thinner chick I was becoming. The new attention the unwelcome appreciation and the feeling that I was failing my fat self. If I really loved being fat why was I losing weight?

At 53 I no longer have the luxury of debating myself on weight loss. My literal life depends on it. Because of that I’ve jumped into the deep end of the pool and regardless of not being able to swim I haven’t drowned yet.

The results are evidence. The scale the blood sugar the pain. All of them look different than they did at the beginning of the year and

for that I am thankful. I have to keep doing the work of course but I have the evidence I need to keep pushing forward. It helps that I am not looking for a ‘partner’ because that removes the disconnect about fat me being the bad bitch. The bad bitch is internal the dress size is how I walk through life without getting arrested. Will I still question things? Yes. That is who I am yet the medical evidence of my progress will keep that nagging voice quiet enough.

I still have one more thing to accomplish I woke today thinking I would hit the goal but that did not happen. The challenge is to not beat myself up about it and try again. I will hit that goal because I have to the only thing is that is not today nor tomorrow. I’ve given myself time by making that number 24