It doesn’t feel like it should be May but it is. I am making slow progress but Andre is with me every step and for that and lots of other things I am thankful. Shit I even got in a dentist appointment and if you know me you know how hard that was. Funny thing though, when someone who loves you gets up and out of bed and goes with you and holds your hand and says the words that are too hard for you to say because of phobia it isn’t all that bad.

ok it was bad but having that someone made it manageable

I am about to begin phase two of renewal and it is like much these days a daunting task. It’s not that I don’t need what comes next it just can be overwhelming and exhausting at times.

I’ve kept busy with the book and other projects. I’ve not wasted this time. I know how things will look on the other side which is allowing me to stay the course but yeah I can admit that I am just a little tired.

I also have some anxiety. Trips have to happen this summer while I stay here and the idea of being alone here is a lot. I don’t 100% know why but it doesn’t feel like I hoped it might. I thought I would look forward to the alone time but I am not.

I want to roll over and be able to touch at night. I want to be mildly annoyed when asked if I can make a cup of coffee. I want to walk into the bathroom and ask out loud to no one how on earth is this roll of toilet paper almost gone already. Ha – toilet paper has re entered the chat.

I also want the version of me who used to exist who was an hour away and sometimes too much trouble to hop into the car at 2pm because route 4 is never ever not full of cars.

I am adjusting. I have a pretty good plan for the next phase. I am safe and loved. This might not be terribly exciting to read but it is pretty exciting to live. Since May 2022 I’ve had to operate in survival/struggle. I don’t have to do that today. Even though I am still keeping the list and checking it twice, the consequences of behaviors is not as prominent in my mind. I think the book helped a lot with that, I know it did actually. I look forward to wrapping up the edit so we can go to the next step.

I’ve had some disappointments in the past month. One hit harder than the rest because I really thought it was going to be a full circle moment. It wasn’t though and well I can’t just thank the Universe when the great things happen I also must accept that when I am less than happy with the results. It is all a plan beyond my comprehension at times. I simply must roll with – adjust – work hard and not let one stall cut off the engine. That made sense in my head because I can drive a stick.

Anyhow. I have a lot of drafts I will get around to publishing. I promised myself I would return this blog to her rightful place. I just have to do it in shifts.