Yes D’Angelo is on my mind but other things are also. I am going to push some of them away as I finish packing for birthday weekend. Other items won’t quite move from the front of this big head of mine. Sometimes you just move through life and forget little things. It was never your intention but a day turns into 6 months and you are in a too big grey suit dancing wildly. You kinda have to be a certain age to ‘get’ that reference.

It doesn’t feel like anything to me yet because I don’t know what the outcome will be or what the next steps are in treatment. I know what I WANT the outcome to be but it is something I don’t have control over and it is something I am unqualified to advise about. I’ve spent a lot of time in recent years especially bending people places and things to my will. Sometimes on purpose but more realistically because of necessity. This is something I cannot bend. This is something I cannot alter. What I can do is wait to hear updates and try to let them know they are not alone.

I can keep sending the segments as they are completed but the past 2 weeks haven’t given me free time so to speak to write as I would prefer. I also don’t know if the segments will hurt or help. I would love to think that the story of the unsinkable Aphrodite Brown would help as a reminder that you keep fighting even when it looks like you cannot win. There is a fight ahead and I am happy to lend a fist. I’ve had multiple fights since landing on the West Coast. I have to chuckle at that irony because arriving here was designed to allow me to rest from fighting. Turned out that I had to fight just as hard or harder than ever and battle those who said I love you. Even with the current calm in the water there are mini waves that I have to navigate these days.

Things like work. The gig is like many others which came before, and that is familiar which gives space for calm and frustrating because it is a reminder that the fights I had to participate in when I get here have delayed my arrival at the destination I selected for myself. Delayed not denied. The gig is what it is and I do enjoy that the outcome of my efforts assists households and families and makes being in this area better. You can’t ask for a lot more other than winning powerball numbers right? I have a supervisor who I like there and if you know me you understand how rare that is. She is young enough to be my daughter, which whoosaa I have to ask how I ended up on that end of the spectrum. Don’t answer that was rhetorical. She is Black and bright and I want her to grow up and be a superstar. By that I mean I want to see her running a program before she is 40. She is the one supervisor at the gig who I can let a little of my shield down with and have transparent conversations. I have a colorful history with Black women supervisors and thankfully at the moment she is not falling into the trope I’ve seen time and again. We can have woman to woman conversations, saying less but understanding more. Our office chats have increased as changes occur.

Our early conversations were light and polite. As the landscape has shifted they’ve become more frequent and the context is we both see the writing on the wall and how we are both unequipped to make alterations regardless of our intentions.

Due to circumstances beyond our control the supervisor who I reported to directly left the position. That story will be written, I just have to go through something related to it next week before I write it out. The day it was clear the former supervisor was not returning I informed the co-workers that I like what would happen next. I am not psychic I’ve just lived a lot, and walked this type of territory more than once. My coworkers doubted me but on Wednesday a team meeting was called to confirm my predictions. The gig promoted the worst possible person to replace the prior manager. The replacement is inept, arrogant, and unfamiliar with managing personnel in the setting we currently exist. It will be a disaster in the long term [well also the short term]. My peers are already questioning and complaining.

I spent Wednesday and Thursday giving comfort and advice to my peers. Explaining to them the reality of the situation vs their feelings. Reminding them that despite the poor decision making of upper management nothing has or will change for real. I’m just trying to keep the system from stalling while I complete the project and while the other prospects are evolving. I’d prefer to not have be the office coach but you gotta do what you gotta do.

What also has a gotta do is concentrating energy to to someone who needs it.

I also gotta prep for my birthday its gonna be amazing