I was in the middle of a conversation with an advisor and this generalized concept popped up. The advice was to pick a lane and drive within it. In my head with my big back I am the road so me weaving between lanes is normal. On a Monday I might be about lipstick, on Monday afternoon I might be on the political soapbox. The suggestion of the advisor was that the ‘casual’ viewer can’t see the same message in 5 videos and that was impacting my ability to expand. I receive that. I am sort of all over the place. I am the brand and I am all over the place. I also intellectually understand if I am going to seduce additional product partners this method is not the swiftest.

The advisor mentioned that I seem to no longer speak about my sexuality. Kinky & Queer yet I didn’t even do a PRIDE post in June. Quietly I tried to excuse that by reminding myself I am recovering and how sick I’ve been. That’s true, but its not the only reason.

The unasked question in the conversation was am I still kinky and queer. The simplest answer is yes, Gaga said born this way and when my last breath is exhaled that remains. The more complex answer is why I am not expressing it in the same ways I have historically.

A part of it is age. When I’m healthy I don’t think of myself in my 50s. Once upon a time I felt like I was still in my 30s. That isn’t the truth today, but feeling 51 isn’t the same as feeling 31. Even feeling 31, I don’t express that part of myself in the same ways I used to, because who/what I am/was seeking didn’t require it.

A part of it is location. While I’ve met a couple pretty good sexual partners and someone to date, the general ‘dating pool’ here is shallow and infected. The choices here are abysmal. I am sure some acolyte out there would attribute that to my weight and age, and fuck you. This FUPA and gray hair has been here for the past 30 and has slowed absolutely nothing down. What’s slowed me down since my arrival here? Healing. Working. My general distain for people.

But why am I not leaning into that part of me?

It is not a priority for me in the moment. I compartmentalize well and this has always been true. I can turn off my need for sex and expression of sexuality. I am sure that is/was terrifying, but it is true. I do not allow it to drive and define me. When I flip the switch good god my partner benefits but if I turn it off, then off it is until I choose otherwise.

I’ve focused on expanding the brand and the business and I opted out of the distraction. Sure I bring in folx for amusement and maintenance but beyond that …meh. Coach is the closest but even then I put what I am building first and that 2nd. I really want to put them on the side and work on getting my body back, but DeRozan as arrived and geez. Anyhoo…

Am I still sexy and kinky and insatiable etc? I is. Will I be reopening that for the sake of clicks? Nah. Is use it or lose it a thing? Perhaps for someone else but when I am ready to flip it will be like I haven’t taken a break. Others should be so fortunate.