One of the things about therapy if you do it correctly is that you learn new things.
Happy 2024 Constant Reader.
I’ve done some things in the prior year to move me along to where I want to be. One of those is taking some time to be fully present and fully accountable. I win some lose some there. Today I am sitting with a win, an pretty good win and for that I am thankful.
Avoidance.
a·void·ance
noun
- 1.the action of keeping away from or not doing something.
I was exploring something else going on right now, looking for an answer to a question not asked. In a sense even this post is a continuation of avoidance, but it is also pretty necessary, this post that is and the delay in acting on the other thing.
As I was exploring something else I had to sit and accept that my choice wasn’t as healthy as I thought it was, as I’ve told myself that it was until right about now-ish.
I’ve shared some of where I was in the summer/fall of 2019. I’ve shared some of what I did then to move forward. I’ve shared how sitting in that back room on the 2nd floor on Payson St I declared to myself I was ready for love again. Ironic how it all revolved around love. It still does yet a different kind of love.
I sat in that room and listed everything that I wanted in a male partner. By the time that list was done I had listed all of the qualities that I wanted. I listed them on paper. The man appeared and he was also on paper. What I needed to accept is that despite all of the wonderful things I did in that time, I also repeated a pattern. I chose someone physically distant and when I chose them I did not see a path to closing that distance. I was accepting of the situation, without also realizing? admitting? I had not made all of the progress I thought I was making back then.
I walked into that relationship, understanding that there was 3000 miles of America between us and that I wasn’t able to alter than and he did not want to – in the beginning. Things would change obviously, but in the beginning this great love I was selecting was 3000 miles away.
That admittance opened up another set of probing questions and I will explore that either in other posts or elsewhere.
I’ve asked why and I’ve gotten some answers, more are coming because this is not work I won’t continue.
I wasn’t jumping into the deep end of the pool, both feet. I was still hedging my bets then. It would change and did change but in the beginning I was avoiding. Now the experience will be to accept that, identify my why, and do that without flogging myself until I bleed for the behavior.
Know thyself