I am procrastinating this morning. I have to go to Lafayette and I don’t necessarily *want* to but the package must be delivered. Listen, I am like Candyman ….if you don’t want to see me keep my name out your mouth.

I’ve added a couple items to the 51 things list and I think I’ve actually crossed off a couple. I will have to edit that at some point but when I get back to the house I have to configure this mic. I’m procrastinating because I am having a morning of content. I am sitting here, looking out the big window and thinking I love my house. I know, I am a little weird at times, but remember not all that long ago I was sleeping in the streets.

I don’t like that Basic Becky upstairs is river dancing but I am good with the rest of it. They truly are assholes, and I have still not seen one item of furniture moved in.

The little one and I were chatting as she brought me up to speed with her updates. Have I mentioned how proud of her I am? Like she’s amazing and I am thankful that instead of being ME, I was #also me and now we are WE. Ha. That is going to have some scratching their heads but I know what it means and to this day Vizionz is mostly about me. As we spoke she had a moment similar to ones I’ve had in the past. I could see the understanding of well damn you have been here before floating over her and I leaned into that and reminded her that the road has already been traveled and NiNi GPS was here.

Speaking of the road traveled, she wanted to know what I wanted to do for my birthday a while back. If VTown were a different place it would have been an easy choice – take me to the champagne room. VTown ain’t different though so I had to think about it. Left to her own imagination we’d have done something grandiose and expensive and I might have been tepid about it which would create a whole set of issues. I adore her, but how she displays love and what I need are not always compatible. I appreciate that because she is a force of nature in her own right that I am not allowed to just be that which I have always been. This point in the life of Nicole is about growth and left to my own devices it would be a lot slower. I am not left to my own devices though, the Universe has placed people around me who keep me in the passing lane. Thank you.

I chose mini golf. I’ve done it before but never here. Never as a celebration and never as a lesson. I didn’t get to do all of the things the location had to offer but golf was had. Fun was had love was had back pain was had. Listen I am 51 now, and even though the things I am doing here daily are improving on my health I still have to own up to the fact I’ve been carrying extra weight on these 51 year old bones and ligaments since I was a toddler.

___ and I were chatting last night and a question was asked: What’s different in what you do vs what they do? Now I wasn’t prepared for their interest in the topic, but I rolled with it. I reminded them that they get to see a fair amount of my day to day. I asked if I looked content. The reply was affirmative. Then I asked outside of the last rock throwing incident they heard me mention the terrible two. They chuckled and said the first of every month. ouch. I mean in a sense they are right, but the conversation went on. The first of the month is not so much about THEM but rather me. We unpacked some things that I am keeping closer to the vest, and I feel as if they understood that it was a part of my motivation, to remind myself to not allow myself to get caught slippin again in that particular way. That I can remember what I walked away from, to better plan for what comes next. My point was I was not putting on a ‘show’ to tease – disparage – taunt someone else. They see my day to day and know I am authentically having every moment. Why did I think it was different there?

That is a direct counter to all the other I am happy and I love you posts. They might *BE* happy and *BE* in love, but me over here minding my own business is still an issue. Their living their life …..over there doesn’t impact me. Hoping that I am depressed and sad and alone, that says a lot. It’s also a reminder that the unreasonable antipathy I’ve mentioned is real, but we won’t dig into that today. What we are going to do today is take this ride out to Lafayette and handle shit. Then I am coming back and wrapping more presents.