I am not in the business of keeping people who do not want to be kept. You said you wanted out, and I said ok. No please, no what if, no maybe in the future.

Did I have moments where I thought I could find a way to forgive you? Absolutely. I love long, and hard. I am loyal, often past the point the reasonable person would consider normal. I make the commitment and stand until standing doesn’t make any sense and my legs give out from the stress.

I can be impulsive, but I don’t make decisions rashly, especially when it means that the consequence of it could mean someone I love will no longer be in my life.

It was 2008 when I finally severed the cord with Lewis, the O.D. original Daddy. I was almost 40. I’d spent all those years prior, holding onto the idea that he was my father so I had to love him. When I realized I did not, I still held space for him, to allow him to have a relationship with his grandson. I gave chance, after chance, after chance. I swallowed my pride and I held space for him to hurt me, yet I remained. It was only in the aftermath of Bonnie’s stroke that I gave myself permission to let go of that which did not serve me. Lewis did not serve me.

It was 2014 when I finally let go of the concept that Kahlil and I would end up together again one day. I didn’t let go because I no longer felt committed to the vow I made, I let go because something else took priority. After the incident, there was no room to hold space for a commitment to an idea, when that idea was only valued by me. The incident put other things into priority and when I emerged from the fog of that darkness, the will to continue to hold on was no longer present. Sure, he was married by then but marriage didn’t stop us in the beginning, there was no reason to expect that it would stop us in the future if that is what we wanted to do.

I gave more to the last relationship that I ever had prior, even to Kahlil.

I was a different woman, and more seasoned. I had a better understanding of life, and yes of love, and I approached with a pure heart.

I endured things I should not in the course of the relationship. I’ve no regrets or complaints about that though, because I lived, those choices were the ones I made. It was not a mistake to love you, what would be a mistake though, to ignore the lessons taught to me by life and try to make something work that was broken by someone who was not me.

I said very early on that if we got to the point where we thought it would no longer work I would leave. Even though I had no gotten to that conclusion, you did, so that point in time existed. It is known and documented what I asked for, simply the chance to build a life. The opportunity to do that which I am doing right now, and to have that it required stability. Stability that was promised repeatedly in the years prior. Stability that was spoken to me as I lay in your arms my first night here. I will not ever know if the decision to avoid that stability was your choice or imposed on you. It doesn’t matter though, since it happened.

A part of me wants to believe it as imposed, so that I don’t have one thing I have to remove as I deconstruct you. It’s simpler to think that you are following the directive rather than this is who you actually are as a human. To see you in that way forces me to ask myself why I did not see it was possible. The truth is I wanted to love, and I wanted to love you. Like those before me and those who will arrive after, one can convince themselves anything in the name of love. Shit, one can even convince themselves that the existence which made me possible was worth returning to, at my expense. I don’t want to examine it though, because I would beat myself up for it.

No matter how many times I listen to Kill Bill, or look at the retribution plan, I am done. I knew I was done when I chose mercy and allowed the case to close. Make no mistake, it was mercy and I did allow it.

As the 29th approaches, and what ever the other shoe that waits to drop from To Be Continued is….one thing remains:

The restraining order cases were muddled by the presence of your attorney, the pathetic return swing? No. The playing field you selected does not allow attorneys. If it continues, then its you vs me. I am okay with that. I know what I can do, and I’ve already shown about 4% of it. No not a typo – FOUR.

Being transparent? As I have always been with you, that hasn’t changed, it feels like the desperate attempt of the man who chose wrong, and needs to soothe his bruised ego. It feels the same way it felt in the parking lot of the leasing office. The authority I once gave you was rescinded long ago, it shall never be returned. No matter how many ways you try to impose it or hang onto it. No matter what other methods you find to try to sustain a connection.

I don’t have to commit murder, you are dying every day.