I wrote a post once here:
It was about my understanding of how a break up can drive a person to act outside of themselves.
I had a revenge plan once upon a time for the one I called The Man. It was pretty detailed and would have devastated him. I mean employment ruin, financial ruin, abandonment by friends and family ruin, jail time ruin. As I type this, in theory I could still execute it. It would hurt even more now that he has so much more to lose.
I won’t ever execute it though, because why? That would give him a power over me he no longer deserves.
I didn’t have a revenge plan for Lord Voldemort. At my angriest sure I thought of things that could be done, but no plan. In part it has taken up until now to exhale. I had to spend the immediate days scrambling. After that I needed protection. After that, I spent the time building the foundation on which I now stand. Since I now have that foundation, I can exhale and make choices. My choice is ME.
An additional reason is age and experience. While I was devastated in multiple ways at his betrayal, I know better than to spend another 20 years trying to figure it out. It is not worth it, it won’t ever be worth it. He is not worth it, as his behavior shows. If I get soft and doubt that, I have 27:15 in one audio to smack me back into reality. I have other audio, other video. I have literally hundreds of pages of conversation. I can use any of those to remind myself that despite what I thought when I landed here, he is not worth it.
If I did have a plan? It is easy to see how I got there. It would even be defendable.
“I am asking you to comply.” Those words were said to me, as if any of the words I’ve uttered over the years were never received. They were not always I love you and I am yours.
I can take the L of the break up, as I always said I would. I am not interested in convincing someone to be with me, or that I am worth choosing. If you do not know that, I am not inclined to teach you. If we decided that this no longer served us, then I would leave. I did.
When presented with the decision given to me, I accepted it. I didn’t ask for a change of mind, I did not make attempts to sneak back in, the decision was accepted.
I refused however, to be left exposed and vulnerable. For better or worse, intelligent or not, these 4 walls were chosen because he stated he would contribute. He promised me that countless times, and all the way up until his departure I did not have a reason to doubt him. When I stood my ground, it turned into something else, as he expressed.
I keep visiting that conversation in June, and listen to the voice of the person, one I feel like I don’t know. I do know him though. It appears he does not know me though, or rather he has chosen to ignore who I am:
Oya has many names including Oia, Yansa, Yansan-an, Iansa, and Oya-lynsan-an. She is the spirit of the Niger River and is a warrior who can never be defeated. She has the power to command storms, winds, lightning, and hurricanes. She is characterized by violent storms that fell dead trees, so new trees can grow. Like she tears away dead trees with the storm, she pulls things away from us that no longer serve us so we can step forward into new phases of life.
Yet another reason there is no plan, as I better understand my power, I understand just how destructive I can be and choose to build not destroy.
I do not choose acrimony, but many would not blame me if I did.
I was asked the other day if I still loved him. The honest answer is yes, but it is a qualified yes.
I love forever, I still love The Man. Love is not enough to sustain a connection though when the core of it has been infected.
It was my love and my grace which gave me the strength to allow him to hobble out of that courtroom without paying what was owed. Despite the recent behaviors? That still was not a mistake. It was the humane thing to do, so I have no regrets. Even knowing that I will have to battle again, I don’t fear. The truth is still on my side, as it’s what I’ve had all along.
I don’t buy costumes on Amazon and play dress up to be in my power I live it. I don’t play Oya for dress up on Halloween because I am her every moment of every day.