I woke with a headache today. I think it is the stress of the moment. It will fade, but it is something to keep an eye on for a number of reasons.

I asked August 4 for a f2f and he agreed. It happened yesterday. It went mostly as I thought it would even if in my heart I was hoping for something different. My heart still wants him. My vagina still wants him. Having him is no longer a reality, we are at the point where if he chooses not to bend, that animosity has entered the chat.

I’d like to think that most of this is coming from her, and in reality it is, but he cannot be removed from his responsibility.

I knew walking into this relationship that she would be a presence. I trusted in his word that she would not be a disruptive presence. There were signs that I won’t say I ignored, but I did choose to allow them to not deter me from what I wanted. I assumed that when the time came, and she forced a choice he would choose his masculinity. I rolled the dice and I lost. I don’t regret the last 3 years, even if in this moment my future is not predictable and it puts me in a position where I have to scramble a little.

He refused to discuss the Saturday night phone call. He refused to discuss the events after. He only wanted to discuss how to get his name off the lease. I told him the reality, he cannot.

While I followed my heart and vagina, my head and history didn’t allow me to be totally foolish. The decision to have him on my lease here was deliberate. I needed him to have skin in the game as I made this move. I wanted forever, but I planned for not forever. I understood that he could change his mind, even if I trusted that he would not.

The decision to have him on the lease was for my security. That security is in jeopardy in this moment. I am less than thrilled about that but I am prepared for it. My history demanded it, prepared me for it. I will get over this ‘crisis’.

I finally shed some tears yesterday after he left. He did manage to say I am sorry. I needed to see that cold version of him. I think it is clear from my writings that there was a hope that we could somehow, someway, figure out a way to reconnect. The cold version of him was what I needed to see, in the flesh. When my heart thinks it wants him, I can recall that look on his face, and the tone of his voice and let that moment pass. It hurts. I will live though.

He wants off the lease. That puts me in jeopardy, my housing in jeopardy. I cannot have that.

The reality is that legally he cannot exit the lease. Morally, he already has.

I have legal avenues, and while I hoped that I would not have to use them, I will.

Last night I had my first conversation with the yt woman. If none of this was clear before that phone call made it transparent that the man I chose to submit to, submits to her. It makes me question why I chose to put my heart and faith and trust in him, but I did.

She told me that I had no respect for her. That he would have his name off the lease. She offered to come here to confront me. It brought out a version of me that I haven’t had to show in quite some time.

The idea that I would fight over a man is beneath me. I won’t ever do that. I will always defend myself, my person, my property, but initiate a fight over a man ….no.

She seems to be willing to do that, and I am prepared for that.

She thinks I am a whore. He anger is misplaced. I didn’t walk into this relationship wanting to steal him away. I wanted to have my own relationship. I never asked him to leave her. Being transparent, finally being here in the beginning, I had the best of it all. I got the man I love, the best of him, and my own space and freedom. I wasn’t complaining, even if I was lonely on the nights he wasn’t here at times.

He hinted that his plan changed because she tried to kill herself. I see through it, he chooses not to. As a woman with daily suicidal ideations, I don’t take that lightly. I know what it is like to be in that darkness. I also know emotional blackmail and manipulation when I see it. I was trained by Bonnie, the best. I survived Kahlil, a close second. She can sell him that bill of goods, and I don’t need to ‘save’ him. He doesn’t want to be saved. I can lay down my cape.

It’s going to get more ugly. I hoped for different, but prepared for this moment.

I am no longer fighting for my relationship. I won’t fight for someone to be where they don’t choose to be. What I am fighting for now is my security. In the fight for that I will do what I must.

There will be a time in the future for scorched earth. That is not today. Today I plan and fight.