A long time ‘discussion’ the Daddy person and I have is the roles of men and women in current times. On the surface we don’t agree, yet I have to admit that in reality we do.

One of our truths as a couple is that we both have roles. He leads, I follow – period. If you look at the core of the two of us it is a traditional relationship in it’s structure, familiar in it’s construct. I defer to his desires to be the traditional man, I lean into a woman’s role as he defines it. It is our commitment to those roles which keeps us steady and connected. Another truth about us is that neither of us is ‘regular’. We have exceptional characteristics each, and they compliment us for the relationship we chose. We are not your average human beings, and how we walk this earth is in that reality.

For the two of us, me being a ‘woman’ as the Western world has defined it, works. That doesn’t mean I cook and clean and make babies. Neither of us want that, neither of us require it. What I do though is look at this man that I want, that I love and crave, and I alter my life, regulate my emotions, and adjust my trajectory to please him. It seems a little contrary to the version of me that many of you know which is fuck all that shit.

While I think how I live is good for me, and I think society overall would be better if there were 3 billion of me, I have to admit that how my structure is set up is not how Western society currently operates. I also have to admit that despite my desires, my craving for women to let go of this idea that they are defined by how/if/when a man chooses them is not likely to happen within my lifetime. Yes, this does not address the myriad of other sexualities, relationship combinations.

Outside of this relationship, I am that chick who doesn’t give a shit about what men think. I don’t live my life for male approval, I don’t dress or act for the male gaze. I think that I am better than most men, shit I think I am better than most human beings. I want to see a world where women live their full lives, stop getting married, stop having babies, have autonomy of their bodies and their lives. I want us to be full and free and only if you want to buy into that you have to have a husband/mate shit then go for it.

That is not me in this relationship though and that is tough to reconcile at times.

I tell myself that I am different. I am – yet I am also not.

My journey to this point was not about being defined, it was about defining myself.

What is always true about human beings, yes even this human being, is that we need connections. It does not always need to be sexual or romantic, but we need connection. I needed it, it feels like more than most, since I’d built myself to live without it. I thought that I could go through this life without it, yet I’d also tried to connect things and people and me.

It was how I protected myself from harm. In my ‘formative’ years trying to establish those connections were rewarded with physical and emotional pain – to the point of trauma. As I adjusted my life to live without that trauma, I was still rewarded with loss, with pain that only strengthened my resolve that connections were not for me.

After the incident it took years to trust that I might be able to have that which I’d almost had. The incident severed the only connections that I had and it created a person who needed to explore if connections that were not from my own uterus were possible. I doubted it, history – my history – told me something else yet I also realized if I were going to do that which I promised myself : I would LIVE it required connections.

I made some surface connections. I made some more than surface connections and it gave me a moment where I asked myself if I could finally have something I knew I wanted – a relationship. Wanting a relationship has been the theme here for 11 years if I tell the truth. If you review it was all tossed in the direction of one person, yet I can admit it was about me. I wanted the chance to step into love with an intimate partner.

The person that I chose, is the person who required the opposite of everything I’d done prior. It required abandoning the persona I’d created and figuring out who Nicole actually was. I am still learning that, while I am also learning this relationship.

The person I chose while exceptional, supports this tradition while the person I was rejects it violently.

So in 2019 I deliberately chose something other than what I’d always done.

Once upon a time the Daddy referred to himself as an intelligent barbarian. He is.

He spends his parts of the conversation endorsing the philosophy of Kevin Samuels. I am the person Kevin Samuels tells men to run from.

Except to have this relationship…..I became the woman Kevin says I should be to have the man I want.

Have him I do, he is actually excited at my arrival. The Daddy person excited is a rare occasion.

I am also on the edge of the life I’ve said I want to live. I am literally waiting for the apartment complex to approve my application and I am searching for flights. This is a thing, this is happening and when I get there ‘life’ begins.

How is that not terrifying?

Because while history has shown me one thing, it’s also shown me the last 2 years.

History also says I can not only do this, but I can excel at this.

So what happens to the Nicole who empowers women?

She learns a new way to empower them.