I don’t always check these entries for typos and accuracy. It feels like the opposite of that which I should be doing here when I drop what is currently pressing or transcribe something which should be in the ether. Every so often when I revisit a post it requires either an editor’s note or in some cases to be removed.

I remember a handful of years back I wrote a category and I was asked to take that down. I did not, nor will I. I can recall someone telling me back then the post might affect the person’s security clearance. I was ‘cancelling’ people before cancel culture was a mythical thing.

I remember how adamant I was back then. If he gave a fuck about his security clearance he should not have been an asshole I said. Also, that security clearance shit was mostly bullshit. At best he’s an affiliated contractor randomly when the union has work and anything written here would not prevent that. Apparently you can be a terrible human being and it not impact your ability to build a stage.

In the end back then it made the rounds in our circles and some people gave me a high 5 others gave them a high 5 and all these years later it is still out here being a fuck nigga and fake and negatively impacting lives. Like I said cancel culture is a myth.

I also recall before the incident when I called someone else out on their behavior. I was asked again to take that post down. Why are you making waves she asked? Because. That person was a fuck nigga pretending to be a business man and negatively impacting the ability of someone to create an event someone I cared for was tangentially attached to, and fuck him that’s why. She begged me to stop picking that fight and in the end I was right. He closed up shop, ran off with money, and to this day still has not reopened. Those posts are also still here with comments and all. I didn’t back down then because principle n’shit.

Other posts were taken down, and still remain down, not because the words were not true, but for other reasons in the brain of Nicole. Those posts I think of refer to valerie and my impression then was that it was too much to closely affiliate with me. Not that I mind the world knowing was a piece of shit she is, but that it exposed too much which could lead a random internet stranger to my front door when on the other side of that door was my Bonnie & my Clyde. I never got around to restoring them because they no longer fit the tone of what this living record has become. They are still real and they are still here just set to private.

The little called me the other day to talk about a post here. She reminded me that my truth is not all which matters. While it is damned important, it is not always something that needs to be on Al Gore’s Internet.

The is an older version of me who would have pushed back at that and said no. She would have defended why it was written and why it would stay. That didn’t happen though.

I set it to private, then this morning when I logged in and wasn’t able to be sure it was private moved it to draft.

While that doesn’t mean that there are no screenshots out there in the Universe, what is more important to me now is knowing that I did that which I said I would.

Funny thing is, that post was about me keeping my word as well but #shrug

Yes some motherfuckers blog. Yes the people involved are stubborn as fuck, but I’ve got 10 more years of practice at it than the other person.

Did I mean what I wrote? All of it yes. While it may not be visible currently, I can always revisit it and recall what prompted the post. I can review and remind myself of it’s content. What I had not considered was how it would appear to the outside world, that the intention would be missed. I almost never consider intention here, until someone pulls a coat tails and says really Nicole?

When that happens I make decisions and choices.

This space is full of choices which others objected to, but what you don’t see constant reader is the sausage making which goes into those choices. How each word is selected and how publish gets hit.

On occasion I will ask myself if I went too far. Frequently the answer is no and the archives record that moment in time. I am capable of going too far though, and in those moments you want someone around who can reign you in, give you a counter opinion. I have those people around me and they matter. Do they matter more than me? More than my needs? They do not, yet to ignore them is my own folly when they are what I requested of the Universe.

That is something I need more practice in though, including others in this process. The controls are always my own yet the content requires group think. I realized that shift in me and the content here about 2 years ago. Just because I could say something doesn’t mean I should. While that post was me exploring the why behind the incident, there is not a way for the casual reader to know that.

There is also not a way for the casual reader to discern reactions connections and exploration. Could I go back, edit and revise? Yes, although to do that would make this inauthentic in a way I do not wish for this space. This space and its content matter to me, and while I might not ever retract words I can inhale and remind myself all words are not good words.

My words can heal or kill. Which do I want? Depends on the moment. Some things need to be killed and sometimes it is me who needs to pull the trigger, this was not one of those times.

What I appreciate in this moment is that someone gave enough of a fuck to say something about it. That warranted consideration and action.

So what’s next? Unsure really. There are still things that have to happen and I am still firm in my resolve that I will not pick up the phone without acknowledgement. Will that remain? Highly likely actually, at this point I’ve adjusted my life to not make this a loss. As I said to someone earlier today though, never is not a word and anything is possible.

Likely? nope possible sure