I am the dreamer, he is the detailer. That works well, that is a reflective representation of who we are. I am good with dreams. I’m not good with the nightly dreams, the ones that wake me up at 2am, but I am good with the big day dreams of life that propel people forward.

I’ve had a lot of dreams over the years. Some of them manifested, some of them became nightmares. I am currently living a dream. There are times it can feel like a fog, because I’ve lost focus, but I am living a dream. There are times it can feel like a nightmare. One of those nightmares where you know what’s going to happen and are powerless to stop it. I am the dreamer.

It was my dream of being ‘happy’, which brought me to this moment. I have chased happiness for longer than I like to admit. I chased it because it felt like I was missing something. I am missing things now, real things. I am not missing happiness. I am missing a waist – thank you COVID19. I am missing the time COVID has cost the Daddy person and I. I am missing disposable income most days, what I am not missing is happiness.

Happiness is a thing that we always say we want, it is something I know I said that I wanted. I do. What has frequently been missing is my understanding that I have it, without the addition or subtraction of anything else.

I have times where I miss my child. I have times when I miss the Daddy person. I have other times when I look back at the last 3 decades and think what if, yet in all of that I am not unhappy. I made a decision a couple years back to live all of my life remaining, the rest of this life remaining and I do think I’ve lived up to that…..mostly. There are moments like today, when I am not living as much as I could, but they are certainly less frequent and that is a blessing.

One of my dreams in a little bit, maybe a couple years from now when my address change to California is permanent I think about the 2 of us teaching together. I chuckle at that, because those who know him might have difficulty seeing that, but I am the dreamer. I have a pretty clear vizion of what our future can look like. I don’t particularly like the phrase ‘power couple’. It brings to mind a mentality that I don’t really have. Yes, I end up in the spotlight, most likely because on a subconscious level at a minimum I seek it. Yes I affect the people and things around me. He does as well. There is a stigma in my head about the power couple example, where the people who wear that moniker aren’t out there doing the best life can be. That is not me.

There is an old version of Nicole who used to think that she ruins everything around her. That is not who I am. I may not yet be at a place where I improve EVERYONE around me, but I don’t ruin everyone and every thing.

The current path I have chosen ends in only 1 way. Success. There is not an option of failure here. Along with that success, what will come is influence, money, access. I worry at times what Nicole looks like with all of that. I know what I look like without it. That woman without it, well let’s just say some of her decisions were not made with anyone in mind but her. I think at times about my legacy. How I don’t want that to be my brand.

Speaking of brands, my Facebook world has been a buzz. It happens from time to time, after all, its not just people I went to high school with there, it is all of the people in my life. My life is full of people in the active kink world, lots of them Leather. The Leather world is not having a banner year in 2021. Lots of ‘names’ are having issues. Those issues could be avoided, if they were different people. They aren’t though, and while there is lots about me which IS different, some things are not.

One of the people being dragged for filth at the moment is prominent. She and the husband were ground breakers in a sense. The POC community applauded them, they were sought after for all the speaking gigs and all the presentations and they were all the golden couple. Thing is……I never found them likable. This was even before I knew the story of how they came to be, and I liked them less after I learned that. I do try to give space for people to change. We do. I can’t say they have though. What always annoyed me about her was this idea that there was only one way to “woman”. Being feminine was only one way. Of course I object to that because of how I am feminine.

Her brand has always been what it is, and now that brand has walked outside kink. I won’t name her here, lest someone stumble onto her, and get caught into the web. I won’t be responsible for that.

Her brand though, is toxic. It dismisses everything that is not, “traditional” womanhood and it is especially troubling coming from a woman of color.

I look at the two of them, and I see a power couple. Their brand is super polished. They walk the same road that I am walking, at least professionally, on the surface. She and I can both claim the same profession. She’s further along, she’s arguably more successful. I don’t charge 4k a course….yet.

The day will come though when that happens, especially when I factor in Bay Area prices.

I recall talking to the Daddy person and expressing concern that I would one day be like the people I see in this business, who chose their new tax bracket over the needs of the humans they allege to help. I cannot say that they didn’t start off like me. It doesn’t feel like that though.

I think back to yesterday and planning a 12k vacation and wonder if I can fall into that trap.

The power is intoxicating. I’ve always had champagne taste with tap water budget, except for once. I made decent enough choices in that once.

There was one other moment in the life of me where I made a less than altruistic choice. I chose me. I could argue I was also choosing my son, but it was more about me. I can admit that, and I don’t regret that totally.

I lost sight though of the greater good for a while. I think towards the end I did better, but in the thick of it – me.

On brand for me has historically been all about Nicole. Because I chose him, it can’t be all about me. Yet choosing him was about me.

I like to think that in 5 years, when I am more than a household name in certain circles, the work I’ve done in the past 2 years will make the future different than the past.

For 12k vacations though I am going to have to do business on the levels they are, and others are.

I feel confident that it won’t be terrible. I know that he will keep be grounded in ways I have never been.

Then I google that name – of that woman – and before you can type out all of the letters the word CULT appears at the end. I know I don’t want what comes with those 4 words. I do want lots of the other stuff though, so balance must be found.

I don’t have to be on brand, I can be my own brand.