Yesterday I did something I rarely do….nothing. It was a glorious thing. Of course it’s me so I am mentally asking myself why I wasted the whole day…but fuck it. I feel like there was a NEED to not worry about BESS, or Vizionz, or coaching, or any of the other ninetyeleeven projects I have semi done right now.

I don’t make resolutions for the New Year any longer, I make them daily and that’s worked out better. I mean perhaps not statistically, because I now have to look at the undone # growing higher but overall…it’s better. I like better.

2020 is in the can, and it was a good year for me. I can admit it was a shitty overall year but in the win/lose column for Nicole I did well. I am thankful for that.

There is a lot of 2021 on the horizon and at moments I have a WTF sense of heavy. Yes even at day 2. When I look at the goals they seem so BIG. On one hand BIG goals aren’t bad, but I have moments when I look at what’s on the agenda and ask myself if I could have chosen differently. The truth is yes I could. The other truth is no I won’t.

I know that some of it is the thing that happened a couple of weeks ago which moved the timeline up. I am not disappointed in that at all, that particular situation can’t end quickly enough for me. Shit I am still kicking myself for not shutting the fuck up and letting her pack. Intellectually I know that I did the right thing, even if it would have made my life simpler.

What is troubling about it is that I have to sit on my hands and watch. I can’t ‘fix’ it and I have to allow things to unpack as they need to. I cannot rush it because that would weaken the foundation and right now that foundation is pretty fucking strong.

There’s also a new-ish development in the works that is giving me all the fucking pause. This situation looks like it is going to play out a certain way, and I’ve seen a similar way and in my head I am screaming NO. It’s fair for me to feel no though, history and all. While I feel no, things are still moving and forward and fast. I question if I have the capacity to hold someone else close as they mourn their losses, but the truth is I can do anything.

If I am being honest, I want to be a mommy again.

The 9-5 is suddenly not stressing me. I have other plans and they aren’t high on that priority list. I ended 2020 the way I started 2020 interviewing for manager of the old department. I didn’t get the position …again. This time however I don’t have frustration or anger….I have resolve.

The lessons I am learning in life and from the coach – yes coaches have coaches is delivering massive results and well today I am focusing on new organization to focus those results. I’m not banking on the 9-5 to deliver to me what I am owed, I am taking it from someplace else. I appreciate that and I appreciate the new found zen.

I told the Daddy person, and realized it Thursday I didn’t actually WANT the position. The universe understood that and gave me what I asked for, it always does. So this week I am channeling and determining and identifying what I want so I can have it by June 30. A quiet reality is that it might even happen by January 31 and well I can live with that.