This is not going to go the way you think it will.

I feel like I’ve been here before, and welp I was.

There is a lot floating in the brain this morning. I’m looking forward to my weekend alone. It will be the first one since the move and it’s welcome. I’ve been emotionally ‘off’ since the deserve comment and this should help balance me out.

Today is Daddy’s birthday. I am sad that I cannot spend this day with him. I don’t do holidays the way most people do, but birthdays I go awf. I am less than thrilled that he’s so self sufficient and independent that I can’t just hit up Amazon and send him things which will make him smile. The budget also doesn’t support it this week, but that too is a source of the malcontent.

I’m slowly coming around to the idea that this is a triad in a sense. I am realistic in the sense that I never expected her to ‘leave’ but at each leap of vulnerability and commitment I have questions. Questions about how things got to the way they are. I am not asking them. I don’t ask because I fear them, I don’t ask because it doesn’t matter. No Refunds. If the negative answer would impact my desire and ability to stay then I would ask, but that is not the case. At this point there is very little he could do to move me from this path, and the statistical odds of him doing that are lower than me hitting a power ball jackpot. I am here, I am home and the layers of his current life will simply be folded into our future.

I have a comfort that he won’t be alone today, a day when I cannot be there. No one should be alone on their birthday unless they wish to be. I raise an eyebrow remembering last year, she annoyed him. I hope she learned that lesson and today is full of laughter and light and perhaps even some sex. Yeah, at some point I think we will talk about sex but that day is not today.

I told him yesterday this is the last birthday of his I intend to spend away from him. I hope he heard me, and is prepared for what that means. If nothing else he should know by now that when I set my mind and heart aligned to something, it happens. Before August 8, 2021 I will be living if not in the Bay then in Phoenix making the commute to the Bay less daunting. It occurred to me that after the bliss of my birthday last year, I will have to spend this one without him. Welp that will end in 2021 as well. We are going to have many birthdays together and will not be apart unless we choose to do that.

WAP dropped and gave me all the life yesterday. I adore Cardi B, and I am totally here for all her ratchet all her vulgarity even a non Black person saying nigger.

I got to watch Twitter heads explode that fine women said all they are bringing to the table is pussy and I chuckled. I chuckled as I thought a little about how tired this argument is, how tired it’s always been. I came into the ho I was meant to be under the lyrical guidance of Christopher Wallace spit by Lil Kim. This is not new to me, it’s true to me. I am here for it because more women need this in their lives. While I won’t comment on ‘using’ men, I will say that we should be celebrating pussy more. Any song or show or mass media consumption which does that I am here for it.

Today is going to be a good day. An amazing day. It’s Daddy’s birthday it’s time to party. Party and plan for 2021. COVID-19 wrecked all plans and intentions for 2020 but it also gave me something I haven’t had in the prior 47 years.