One of the things I am learning is to give myself permission to do things. Sleep. Cry. Eat. Say no. I’ve spent a lot of years denying myself those things. I am still learning to lean into those experiences.

The last seven days were pretty much a whirlwind of experiences. I don’t just mean Philly vs Everybody, I mean recognizing how the universe provides for me. I mean the butterflies in my stomach as I stepped into the station. I mean collapsing into a chest as I surrendered to the whim of another. I mean resisting the familiar thoughts that aren’t assistive.

I woke today with an ugly headache and spent much of it in the new bed and still managed to be thankful for the new bed. I have so much to be thankful for, even moments like this where I just feel tired.

It’s okay to feel tired. I did a lot. I lived a lot. I partied a lot. I grew a lot. A lot. It’s okay to rest when you do a lot.

I want to go back to bed though, and instead of doing that I am here typing. As much as I need the rest, earned the rest I also know the woman I used to be and I am not interested in allowing myself to fall into those old habits. For a fat chick I run and fast and run well. Running is a superpower for me. I am learning to not run in the opposite direction of that which presents itself to me. Going back to bed would be that action.

I could use the excuse of my period and allow that to roll into something else. I won’t though, not today. The cool thing about that is learning this technique and mastering it means I won’t have to KEEP doing it. The behavior will become natural and muscle memory and that will free me up to learning something else. Today though, it is resistance.

In between shenanigans August 4 and I talked. We do that. We are just as good at that as we are good with other things. Yes he made about 14 references too many to quantum physics but if you know me you know that it takes more than the physical to hold my attention. I’ve spoken sporadically about August 4 for years now, yeah he’s smart.

During our talks he reinforced the concepts I’ve tried to grasp and he didn’t know that he was doing it. Another check in the pro column.

What has eluded me so far is a bigger picture. I am racking up all these little victories, and loving it. I am proving to negative Nicole that a different course of action exists, and she’s learning. Damn is she learning. The bigger picture though gives me a moment of pause. Only a moment, I am going to conquer this like other things, but it is a reminder that my hesitation to dive into that big picture is in part lingering doubts.

I haven’t figured out the solve for that but I will. It is the year of Beyonce 20&19 I go this. I just don’t think I have it today. I pulled my vizion board down and got to look at what I’ve checked off and the natural next step is to create more vizion, but I haven’t done that. Yet.

I’m rotating between going with the flow and the master plan, and as I type this I remind myself they are not mutually exclusive.

Aphrodite Brown