Note to self – yes you feel better but bitch you still fat drop for me is still gonna have to wait a good 30 pounds.

Now onto the post.

I’ve gotten to speak the last day or so about speaking things into existence, and yes I am still working on that for me as well. I am spending some time identifying what my cravings look like, what I desire. I find that I still have work to do. I was going through some of those things this morning before work. Choosing my words, my vizion. I got 6 things on paper before I realized the things most personal and relevant to me were at the bottom. I wrote what I want for others, for a career, but when I got to that which was about ME, bottom.

I am making better choices for me but me is not at the top of the pyramid just yet. I know at least 2 people right now who would disagree with that, but the paper doesn’t lie.

I had a different conversation tonight, well more of a listening party. It occurred to me again, that I am missing huge segments of my past. Not a black out in the sense that the memories are gone, but that so much of my life has been a series of existences that until a trauma occurs, and there’s been a lot of that I don’t have an active memory of things. I can point to pivotal moments of extremes but the inbetween not so much.

This is on my mind again as I recall the story my best friend shared about something that was a pretty big deal and I did not remember it at all. Even after she shared it I still don’t recall it.

Honesty and loyalty are on my mind tonight. Understanding the value of it, needing it within my space, exhibiting it to others. A recent lesson has taught me that these 2 things are required, and must be demonstrated. These 2 things also leave me vulnerable as fuck and that is not a terribly comfortable place for me. The lesson taught me that my loyalty doesn’t have to come at my expense. My honesty doesn’t have to be anything other than my truth. My personal truth will at times be unfamiliar to those who navigate life differently but I cannot let it go.

My honesty has to remain, my loyalty needs to be placed with those who appreciate it.

I have a handful of new phone numbers in my phone from people in the area. It makes me feel appreciated. My niece and nephew checked in on me. That makes me feel loved. I fucked up dinner and didn’t fall to the ground in tears thinking myself unworthy, I listened instead and tried again.

I desperately need a haircut but the good news is I am someplace where I don’t have to drive for an hour to find a barbershop with colored folks in it.

It’s been a good week.

Aphrodite Brown