Our topic for February and the 1 year anniversary was poly.

Not Polly Wanna Cracker but Poly as in the ability to love more than one person.

It’s a deep topic, much more than we can cover in 90 minutes of conversation but its also an important topic. This is alternative lifestyle living and having more than 1 intimate partner at a time is certainly the alternative to what ‘society’ tells us we are supposed to desire.

We discussed how we all ended up at the poly end of the table, or in some cases haven’t. No everyone in the discussion chooses that method of expression and that’s a wonderful thing.

There were pink wigs and chocolate cake. There were debates of the sexes and of course there was singing.

Our 1 year anniversary gave us our 2nd largest crowd in attendance and I learned I can wear a pink wig and wear a shirt which looks like I am about to do motion capture on a Marvel set and still channel my inner Cardi B.

It also gave me some thoughts about what poly looks like for me.

In all honesty at the moment it doesn’t. In this moment I haven’t the energy for ONE partner let alone multiple. I’m sure that a part of it is just the winter blahs but I have days where I am struggling to embrace arousal let alone the complexity of managing affairs of multiple hearts.

It’s on my mind though because I watched a ‘testament’ today. One of the jump offs spent 15 minutes extolling the virtues of the girlfriend. It was sweet. I think as these love things go, he might just love her. I tried to withhold judgment as he described how this was his first ever Valentine where he felt appreciated. I didn’t do a very good job obviously because here I am judging. The gifts were cute, and watching someone experience something for the first time warmed the heart a little of this Grinch, yet it was also one of those moments when I stopped and thought about the things we settle for, vs the things we deserve.

Brooklyn doesnt know ‘that’ version of me. There’s never been a need for him to, is a version of me that is earned and displayed to those who through their actions show they are worthy. Brooklyn is neither. He hasn’t met the version of me which can actually show him romance, and appreciation and value. Yet there he was with that little half smile of his feeling amazing.

It’s not a matter of me settling, Brooklyn will always be in that role he currently sits, until I determine I no longer want the karma of fucking the man someone else thinks is theirs. I just look at Brooklyn and recall the stories of his ex wife and the current girl and ask myself why is he settling.

It’s a concept I’ve seen a lot of lately, and while it is a part of the human condition which I love to study I ask myself if I am spending too much time investigating this phenomenon in others. There is a lot of it around me right now, so it seems natural to observe, yet I have to legit ask myself am I just distracting myself from my own self observation.

Its simpler in ways to look at the things that surround me and remind myself that cannot be me, less simple though to ask myself what can be me?

The blessing of age and experience is that you don’t have to spend a significant amount of time figuring out what route the road is, you’ve been on similar ones and you know where the exits are when they are needed. The curse of age and experience is the same. While I drive these familiar roads, I avoid the potholes, but I wonder at times if I should just hit one to shake things up. I’m not locally inspired at the moment, my vagina is in Oakland and my submission is in Texas my heart is in Atlanta and my body is sitting here waiting for some inspiration.

The things I don’t want, and know I won’t settle for are on display. Inherently I know that its time to think about what I DO want. It’s the only way to obtain it, the positivity of what I do desire. Telling myself what I don’t want only serves to bring that no to the front of my consciousness and pushes the yes further away.

That inspiration doesn’t seem to be local though. There are conquests to be had, notches to obtain, hunting to be done, but inspiration? Not so much.

Yeah it might be time to consider my commitment to non monogamy. Not to abandon it but rather to ge back on the horse again as a phrase goes.

There is another phrase though which comes to mind. Predators don’t hunt one another. Which explains why I am a woman divided at the moment. Doesn’t explain how I am going to fix that, but one step at a time no?

Aphrodite Brown