For years I didn’t know what the day of your birth was. I should have taken that as a sign, the way I should have taken Kelly O Grant as a sign, but I did not. I paid a heavy toll for following my heart and not my logic.

In the story of us there are so many things either of us could point to which indicated that this day, when your birth should be celebrated instead we are apart, again.

So many that I would not be able to type them all. Yet *I* still tried. Yes I. In this place where I tell the truth I can say that I no longer feel like you tried, or at least you stopped at the end. I recall always looking for something to cling to as the gaslighting started.

That’s what it is called when you tell me that I am imagining the very thing which you were doing, causing me to doubt my own sanity at times.

I sometimes wonder what would I have become if I’d listened to my instinct and not your words.

This is not the post for that though. This is just a simple happy birthday. 🎂

There will always remain a little girl who wishes her Daddy would find a way to love her, only these days she takes a back seat to the woman who must stand and rebuild her life.

It hit me hard this year, most likely because this is the most stable I’ve been in 4 years. This date never goes unnoticed but its gone unsaid for some time.

There is still longing or pain on occasion, my phantom limb reminding me of what once existed.

Mostly though it is the Color Purple.

I do wish you happiness, even if you are not genetically designed to provide me with simple answers. That is the difference with you and I and why one day this day will go unnoticed. I am better than what I was given and that is who I am to the bone marrow. Imperfect as my life is, I know that I get rewarded with reciprocity because that is how these things go.

While it will not ever come from you, it won’t prevent me from wishing the best for you, my imprint.

I won’t cry for what was lost, not tonight. I will however hold that little girl and love her, the way you should have because she deserves it. And for you? I hope you eat cake.

.bb