Apparently I allowed September to go by without a post.  I’m sorry constant reader.  I should do better.  I will do better.

I’m inclined to write a political post, there’s a lot of crazy shit happening in this world of ours but instead today I want to talk to you about what service is, what it looks like, and what it looks like for me.

This is a topic on the brain at the moment because of my turtle. Ha bet you thought you’d head the last of that name right?

Even though I knew he would return, the idea of sharing the how and the why with you wasn’t something that I wanted to do. A girl has to have some secrets right?

He came back in part and in ways the same way you come back constant reader, I am compelling. There is something about me which he desires, and in this moment I am alright with that.

I am not always but my turtle he stirs within me pockets long dormant, and after the incident it’s important to continue to tune into those moments.

I spoke to a friend about turtle, how he wasn’t aware of the way his life would change. I think that’s a part of the attraction.  Seeing someone on the precipice and knowing that unlike me, he will be taken care of in ways I was not.

Regardless of if this is a lifetime or a moment he’s going to be so much better prepared to move on in my absence.  My absence will happen but when it does he will be able to move on.  He won’t ever have another me but he will have a foundation.

I kind of also want someone to call me mommy again and I want to be a mommy again.

My turtle doesn’t know how to serve me, that is something that I will teach him.  I see him and the growing pains we are going through in the moment and I see me so many years ago. A young person so in need of acceptance and approval and finding someone who can grant all of that and more and not knowing where to begin.

His lack of understanding of the power in surrender and how it will upgrade him.

I smile when I think of the man he will be on the other end of this journey, in ways I used to fear.

There was once a very rigid idea of what service was in my head.  Rather there was a rigid vizion of what service was NOT.

I rejected the physical portions of it because I didn’t understand the complexity of this lifestyle and the fluidity of need. The Gatekeeper would often comment about my service to him and I would scoff, ninja I’m just sucking your dick. Mind you, me sucking your dick is no small thing, or something to scoff at, but the idea of sexual service never resonated with me until I allowed myself to lean into the fluidity of this life.

The Man met similar resistance in the beginning. I wanted to do anything but sexual service, even though I desperately wanted to have sex with him.

My turtle is slightly different in that he doesn’t understand what service is beyond the sexual but he will and he will be better for it.

One thing for sure though is I shall not be teaching him Japansese Tea Service.

 

Aphrodite Brown