“I know where the story begins……”

I went to the Southwest Philly house and picked up the last of my clothing.  It was about time, I’ve been avoiding it.  Doing that means that I am buying into this decision, this life, this existence and letting ‘go’ of my past.

I can admit that it’s hard for me to let go.  Shit I still remember a fight I had in 4th grade that left scars on my face which are no longer visible. I think to myself I still owe that chick an ass whuppin.  I don’t really let shit go.  I learn to walk while carrying it.

That could be the explanation for my current issues walking.

Settling in here means that I am leaning into my life choice.

Choice.

It doesn’t really feel like a choice, it is though.

I had other options and this is the one that I chose. I fundamentally understand that it is the right one, but still…..I’m me. This is what I do, question and second guess until exhaustion then rinse and repeat.

I’ve gotten some work done while here, on me.  Needed work. I still have a lot more to do, to get to the point where this decision doesn’t feel like abandonment and failure.  To get to the point where I give myself permission to exist, and not punish myself for my errors. I legit am not there yet, and it feels like it could take years to get there.

I don’t feel like I have years left to give though to get to a point where I can live.

That’s is the hope of a young woman, I am on the other side of young.  I have lots of living to do, but I’ve got to cram it into fewer years now.

What is ahead of me is something I haven’t experienced since before I met The Man in my 20s.  A road that is ahead without restriction. A life where I can be anyone and anything. A chance to write my own story.  The difference now to then is I have 20 years of experiences that impair my vizion.

I rarely look at that road and see the possibilities.  I see the potholes and the traffic and the danger.

I may not be too old to start over, but it feels like I am too old to start fresh.

 

Aphrodite Brown