Tempest said whoooo!

The Doctor said take a chance.

My vagina said yes.

Then why do I still have so many questions?

In case it hasn’t been clear I am currently smitten.  X popped into my world out of nowhere.  I told him the other night, you just walked by, saw a door you liked, turned the door knob, walked in and said I live here now.

He laughed.

I like his laugh.

I know that I was not looking for a relationship.  I was in fact planning a ho shit winter and spring with lots of random decadent behavior that I would write about here.

I can’t say I 100 let go of the image of Gei in my head, or technically my heart.

As my ‘first’ there is always going to be a meloncholy look back to what could have been and wonder how did we fuck it up not once but four times?

In fact one night a couple weeks ago I reached out to him.  I didn’t expect a response and I didn’t get one. I still took my shot though, you miss all of them you never take right?

This was before? X and I started exchanging.  I am fairly confident that it was.  I know that since X, the idea of going back to that deep well of dysfunction is less appealing. No I haven’t felt like that since, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel that way again right? And maybe this time without all of the secrecy and all of the pain.

A Libra trait is to focus on the good in a relationship and ignore the bad.  It makes us stick around, usually long past the expiration date. I can say with Gei that was hella true. Shit, I can question my own sanity when I think of it all, including but not limited to him getting married.

No I still don’t have ‘evidence’, but I don’t need it. I know that man like I know myself, and if my instinct says it is true then it is, I’ve never once been wrong about him.  This includes knowing that at some point our high would fall and I would be left to pick up the pieces of me alone.

…..And then there was X.

Once we left the recorded work line and took it to the cell phones it was different but the same.

That same compulsion that exist (s) (ed) for Gei, that same compulsion that exists for August 4, well there I was with that old thing back.

No matter how gun shy and cautious I am – that unique connection can’t be ignored. I wonder at times if it should be ignored.

From his first text to that cell number it was there, and I was paying attention.

I was still planning my ho shit, setting things up for October and beyond.

I was also however fascinated with this buttery New Orleans accent and presence.

I know ME well enough  to know that I can move quickly.  Andrea showed me what too quickly looked like. The aftermath taught me that slow and steady is how I SHOULD move.

I thought I was moving slow.  I even got into the starting blocks for the race to the exit. Now what I was exiting I don’t know but I was ready to run.

At my first thought of running Tempest was there to say, don’t give up. I explained all that had me lacing my cleats and she said don’t give up.

I ignored my inner Usain Bolt and sent out one text. Just one. It wasn’t even the one I wanted to send. The thing is even with my exit imminent – in my head – I still wasn’t able to speak in that Nicole voice.  I was texting in baby girl voice.

Her voice is irksome at times, really.

A handful of sentences got me to stand up, but I was still by the blocks. I didn’t exit the track.

Then things started getting real.  Extra real.

Real in ways I can’t say here but real enough  to let me know, I was either gonna leave immediately or lose my ability to move.

Somehow in it all he got me to agree to terms that pretty much invalidated all that ho shit I had planned. His lack of proximity means I could still ho out and show out, but my personal set of values won’t let me do that.

I may not mate for life, but I stand in my commitments often to my own detriment.

I still have questions. Many questions. I still have the luxury of distance to protect me from the epically stupid.

And then…….

I got to speak to his youngest daughter. Like.. I don’t even LIKE kids, but there I was exchanging words with his baby girl. She’s wise beyond her years. She’s fiercely protective of her daddy.

Ironically, she and I have a lot in common.

Now this doesn’t mean that we are gonna ride off into the sunset.

Shit it would mean moving to Texas.  I am a loud, fat, Queer, liberal Black woman.  Texas wasn’t built for me. Then I heard the voice of my spoon in my head reminding me that I deserve.  Then I got to thinking of all the giggling she and I could do if we were closer. Then I got to thinking about what HR said to me last week about moving up might mean moving south.

I wondered if I was being pushed towards something I haven’t had for a very long time.  And then the past 48 hours happened.

The good news is the past 48 hours are over.  The process now includes a bunch of questions, and a lot of self reflection. The problem is I don’t trust my gut, but then again maybe that is not a problem.  Not trusting my gut in theory will force me to make educated and rational decisions based on the data in front of me.

The dilemma in this moment is the data shows a green light when my gut says yellow at a minimum.

Aphrodte Brown