Do Not Disturb

The day that Carla came to see me in the emergency room I gave her my telephone.

I smile at that because I should say ‘cell phone’ but I am of age where I understand there is more than one type of phone.   Since my cell phone is pretty much my only phone I can call it my telephone.  Little things.

Before I gave her the phone I used a neat little feature it contains called Do Not Disturb.  I know I would be away for a while, I didn’t expect 21 days but I  knew it would be a while.

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Rockwell Ave

A friend in need….

If there is one thing that I’ve learned about myself over the years it is that I am good at taking care of people.  I’m so good at it I often forget to take care of myself in the middle of that care for others.

I rarely ask for things which I need.  I almost never admit that I am the person in need of assistance.

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PSA – Atlanta Peachy Kink

Hi there constant reader!

If you’ve been here for a while you might recall that I’ve previously spoken highly of a BDSM organization known as Atlanta Peachy Kink or APK.

Prior to their inaugural event in the spring of 2014 I was personally involved with the silent partner of the organization.  She and I were in an intimate physical relationship. I loved her.

While my involvement with her certainly colored my enthusiasm for the event I felt at that time it was a worthy event to carry the endorsement of the Vizionz brand.

In the months since that successful event my relationship with the silent partner and the visible spokesperson have disintegrated.

That puts me in a bit of an awkward situation. I needed to decide if the healthy endorsement I gave the event last year was something I could do this year.

The answer to that is no.

While I am not speaking against the event I can no longer speak in favor of the event.

As of this date the domain name for APK has expired.  There is to my knowledge no announcement of dates and/or locations for the event in 2015.

One of the reasons I’ve retracted my endorsement of other events is a severe lack of organization and communication with the consumer.  While APK is a new event I cannot excuse them for behavior I’ve argued against with others.

The only fair thing to do is remove the endorsement of Vizionz.

I don’t know if there will be a Peachy Kink in 2015.  If there is I encourage you to investigate the event announcement for yourself and decided if the event is something that appeals to you as a consumer.

I will say though that Aphrodite will not be there if it happens.  I am opting to spend my time and money elsewhere.

 

Aphrodite Brown

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DejaVu

One of the things my grandmother used to say is that everything old is new again.  It didn’t make sense to me as a kid.  Shit there are times as an adult those mom-mom sayings go over my head.  She was the wisest woman I knew.  She might still be the wisest woman.

I am often cryptic about the details of my personal life.  I give  you lots of details about Bonnie & Clyde.  I give you lots of talk about anal sex and fisting.  I give a lot less about my relationships.

Sometimes though I open the blinds and allow a peek inside because at those times it is more about sharing my learning experience than telling all of my business.

It’s been difficult to write here lately. The process I am still going through calls for radio silence.  While it is awkward for me, it is necessary to get the result needed.  If things were different there would be so many MORE posts.  They are not different though and sadly I am different.

I am altered by what’s happened and I am cautious in ways that I previously rejected.

Caution be damned for the moment though I have something to say.

a had a saying that she tossed out all of the time  and I never got it.  I can be quite dense and I can be purposely obtuse as she often said.

In this matter my inability to get it was not with purpose.  It was the difference in the design of two women.  “I look at you two and you are happy and in love….how am I supposed to feel about that”

That is the quote.

I am willing to wager that some of you don’t get it either.

The reference appeared often when she was being called on a behavior.  It was a deflection. She accused B of always taking “my” side.  It rarely occurred to her that he and I were in agreement because she was in the wrong.  Perhaps it did though making the assertion more sinister in nature than I was previously willing to attribute to her.  I know precisely what she is capable of now though… even if it came too late.

I thought then we were building a family.  I thought I was loved in the way that I loved.

My love for B is obvious.  I thought that my love for her was equally obvious.

B has a way of looking at me like I am the only woman in the world.  It is amazing. He is amazing.  I know that he loves me and in that love I’ve found safety that I didn’t know I needed.

I watched though as B looked at my spoon. He looks at her like SHE is the only woman in the world.

It was in those moments as I watched the two of them that I ALMOST got what it is that a meant.

ALMOST

His love for her is intense – immense – immeasurable.

Yet watching the two of them never once made me feel out of place or out of time.

It was my joy to watch two people who love one another express that love in the ways they shared with me.  I was in fact honored to witness it.

I’ve written about compersion before and this was an example that was  more pure in its manifestation than what I experienced prior.   I could toss out a whole bunch of reasons why but the WHY is less important at this moment.

I won’t lie and say I wasn’t jealous.  I was.  In my defense though you haven’t seen my spoon’s ass.  Booty envy doesn’t erode compersion.

There were many things that could go sideways about our time.  There were lots of things that could have gon badly and created a whole different blog post.

Those things didn’t happen though.  We simply enjoyed our time together.  What a concept hunh?

I know without exception that they both love me.  I hope they know without exception I love them.  I hope they understand that without them in my life on November 1 – I would not be here.

Without their support over these weeks I would not be standing.

Without them I would be in the dark and not even attempting to look for the light. The light that they both are in different ways but neither less important than the other.

 

As rough as the last two months have been is how rough the next two shall be.  In the end though they are with me on this road in part and I am humbled they choose to fight with me instead of watching me swing until my arms grow weary.

For just a few hours I felt like the old girl … even though that girl is a gone girl.

Those hours were far too short.  The new hours coming seem so damned far away.

Aphrodite Brown

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Trepedation

One of the things that let’s me know I am still alive is my ability to still get nervous.  I am a tad bit jaded and a little seen it all/done it all.  When you’ve lived the life that I live there leaves little room for surprise in your space.

I can still get nervous though… and I often do.

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Old Dog

I spend a lot of time these days on the phone with my spoon and B. They give me a reference point when things get overwhelming for me here.

I spent a whole day cleaning out a literal and proverbial closet. There’s lots that needs cleaning these days and not a lot of me to get it done.

I am learning some new tricks though.

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Adjusting Aphrodite

While I figure out just how much I can type in my current condition, I understand now more than ever that self care needs to be priority number one.

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Daddy’s Little Girl

It is called arrested development.

A person gets to a certain station in their lives and something happens that stunts their emotional growth.

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Origin Story

Since I am limited in what I can write about these days I opt to write about what is not a limitation : the origin story.

Every comic hero or villian has one… it is how those things work. The thrill of the story is how Peter Parker becomes Spiderman or how Bruce Wayne becomes Batman.

That loud pop you just heard is the explosion of the brains of the comic purists who think I just committed blasphemy by mentioning a Marvel and DC character in the same sentence.

Clean up on aisle 9.

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Muscle Memory

It’s been since October 30 since I wrote here.

I went to bed that night on the eve of Halloween thinking that my life would contnue on as it always had, that nothing would change.

By noon on October 31, I was barely upright. I recall walking the streets of Center City. I recall weeping openly. I recall being so disturbing to the jaded citizens of my city that about a dozen or so people stopped to try to assist me. I recall not being able to talk.

I looked at my phone and fought to dial numbers known to me. I struggled to reach out to the people I thought I could trust.

In all honesty, I lost my ability to trust in anything that morning. The world as I’d known it for 41 years was some alien place that no longer existed for me. As person after person failed to pick up the phone I thought of Bonnie. I thought of my mother and how I had to get home to her.
I walked more, in circles it seemed. As I got closer to the subway entrances, so close I could hear the trains in the distance I knew I would die if I descended those steps.

I didn’t fear death though because I was living through something far worse.

The specific details of the events of October 31, I will not share tonight. Tonight is about muscle memory and returning to form.

Tonight is about reclaiming this one more part of me, from the world and the people who took my family, my faith, my balance, my sanity, and my hope from me.
Tonight is about being me.

By Saturday afternoon, November 1 the facade was gone and the mask I wore for Bonnie no longer held. I just barely managed to set her off to safety. Barely.

I did get her to safetey though. That means something.

By Saturday night I was in the hospital in 4 point restraints vomiting the countless pills I’d swallowed and cursing myself for not having either a gun or a stronger front door.

I attempted suicide.

By Sunday morning I was in an inpatient mental health facility. By Sunday night I was trying to calculate the hours I’d been in knowing the law would prevent them from keeping me longer than 72 hours. They would be forced to let me go and I could finish what I started.

Monday night in a dream my Clyde spoke to me. Tuesday morning I was willing to stay, because it was the one place that it felt I could be with my child who had for the second time now saved the life of his mother.

It is quiet in this house tonight. It’s never quiet here. In the deafening silence I type, understanding how far a road this is to travel.
I have to navigate it alone,that is not at all unusual. What is unusual is that I’ve yet to find a way to bring those I love with me.

I’ve been gifted with love.

I find these days it is hard to accept that gift.

2014 gave me just about everything that was ‘missing’ from my life and then kicked me out of that life and forced me to watch it from the outside.

I look at emails I cannot figure out how to form a response.
I get text messages that might as well be written in Aramaic their language is so foreign.
I woke up November 1 to something that was beyond my heart’s ability to understand and it stopped beating. It pumped blood through my veins, delivered oxygen to my lungs, yet like me it was just going through the motions ….. muscle memory.

I don’t know who I am today.

I thought that I knew. I thought I was living out a designed path that would lead me to happiness.

There is no asphalt in front of me now on this road…. just darkness. Every minute I don’t return to that place of November 1 is a victory but there is no celebration in my molecules. There is grief. There is pain. Those familiar emotions returning front and center mocking me for daring to dream.

Dragging me back to a period BC – before Clyde – and all that came with who this girl was then.

The truth is that this will end. What does not kill us makes us stronger the saying goes. I am Adamantium.

I am also as fragile and unprotected and ill prepared as that 7lb 14oz curly haired human being they placed into my arms 14 years ago and said he is yours.

I have the vizionz expansions on hold. I have so little energy these days that life support gets it all. The Enterprise cant even manage a ercentage of impulse power most days.

BUT

the fact that I can type this means the warp core will be restored…..eventually. One day.

In the meantime

this is where I insert some thoughtful phrase or inspirational quote but I got nothing right now

Aphrodite Brown

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