What happens at Weekend Reunion – STAYS at Weekend Reunion!
Except for these excerpts I wanted to get onto paper:
Once you’ve gotten to know me you will find that there is a consistency about me that can be either frightening or comforting.
My people can tell you how I like my coffee, what I am likely to order from a menu, which shoe I am gonna put on first and any number of things about me. What both they and I are dealing with is mood shifts.
When I started Vizionz back in 2010 I didn’t think I would still be writing here in 2015.
I expected my life to be different than it is today.
I could create a whole post about the I wish and what ifs in my life. I don’t do that often here. I do it fairly frequently though in my head.
October 31 2014 was horrific. May 31 2015 my future is a tad bit uncertain. The days that accumulated in between those two dates are days that I’ve had to battle through mostly.
For the immediate future I am beyond fortunate to have an aide in that battle – Lexie’s ass.
I haven’t written all that much in the last month. Attempting to deal with that which lay ahead consumes me on most days. I spend my days now with my spoon mostly. She’s helped me through this in ways that I won’t ever write about publicly. I spend the days with B also. He’s so good to me and good for me that I wonder why after an hour of sleep, restless as fuck, I type now, haunted by a reality my sub conscious created that was more appealing than the likely truth…..you simply never wanted me in the fashion I wanted you.
His eyes are brown. She knew that of course but she stared at the brown eyes like they were the first time she’d seen them. They were tired eyes but they still managed to twinkle as they looked at her. She smiled.
I was surrounded by the comfort of all that is familiar to me wondering how much longer that comfort would remain.
There really is nothing like sleeping in your own bed. My bed which will soon be in a storage facility. Along with all that is ours while I seek the new roof and walls we will call home.
I missed my cat the most. Onyx who is always happy to see me even though she doesn’t want to admit it. Who cuddles with me during the nights which are not quite as long as they used to be but not as short as I need them to be these days.
I slept like I had not in days. I woke to the space heater and the purring of my cat and I allowed myself for the first time to think about what things are going to look like on May 1.
That scares me but what scares me more is how comfortable that building is for me. It’s not home. It hasn’t been for sometime. It is comfortable though….more so than it should be at this stage.
I look at the campaign my spoon started. I smile at the generosity of those known and unknown. I wonder what it would take to go viral like so many other campaigns have over the years. I wonder if I said Onyx needed a haircut if more people could find their inner charity and extend some our way.
Its strange how I finally let myself rely on the human condition and find myself questioning it still in different ways but still questioning.
I don’t want to ever run out of questions.
I could just also use a few answers right now.
Answers like why that phone call was finally answered. Why it was answered in the way it was. How much further I am willing to push this before I lay down the sword and allow the inevitable to happen.
The day that Carla came to see me in the emergency room I gave her my telephone.
I smile at that because I should say ‘cell phone’ but I am of age where I understand there is more than one type of phone. Since my cell phone is pretty much my only phone I can call it my telephone. Little things.
Before I gave her the phone I used a neat little feature it contains called Do Not Disturb. I know I would be away for a while, I didn’t expect 21 days but I knew it would be a while.
A friend in need….
If there is one thing that I’ve learned about myself over the years it is that I am good at taking care of people. I’m so good at it I often forget to take care of myself in the middle of that care for others.
I rarely ask for things which I need. I almost never admit that I am the person in need of assistance.