Tread Lightly

This song reminds me of a girl crush.

This post is about walking though. I haven’t driven since 2010 or so. Taking care of Bonnie & Clyde meant owning a car had to wait.  I use rentals and share cars when the budget allows but mostly I take SEPTA or I walk.

It was easy at the old house. There were stores all within 5 blocks of me selling everything from vodka, to steak, to those famous Philly Cheesesteaks, to toilet paper.  I never had to go far to get what I needed to hold us over until a big box run.

At LaLa’s things are waaay different.  There aren’t stores here.  Sure there is a bodega on the corner but it’s not like the bodega from my old hood.  To get stuff…..I have to walk and take the bus.

Ive put on a good 30 pounds since the incident.  Well since coming home from Belmont.  I feel all 30 of those pounds too.  My knees creak, my ankles swell, and with the increase in dosage of the seroquel, I am at risk of putting in more weight.  I’ve walked every day almost since I got out of the hospital.  Some short some longer but I’ve walked.

When I walk I feel those pounds in my lower back and knees but I walk anyway.  It’s low impact cardio, which will help keep 30 from turning into 50. It is also part of my resolution to try something different. I suck at trying to kill myself, so I choose to see how good I can be at living.

I had to let my gym membership go, but I can walk.

Walking will do until I am able to jog.

Running? Yeah, that is reserved for when someone is chasing me.  Today……I walk.



Aphrodite Brown

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Sort of......

Sort of……

Today and yesterday are mostly quiet.  I wondered how I would react to the quiet, now I have my answer….I’m doing fine.

In the quiet though thoughts run amok and questions form. Continue reading

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Concrete Feet

This will be my last confession I love you never felt like any blessing” – Florence & the Machine

There are many things in my life I don’t want to become, and a burden ranks high on that list.

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For those of you that I encounter online, I often come across as aggressive. I’m not overly aggressive in person, but when I have to I knuckle up.

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Ayuda Means Help in Spanish

This is the photo of Bonnie & Clyde I love most. This is how I try to remember them.  I do not always succeed.

In the past eight months this photo seemed impossible to achieve again.  I ask you constant reader to help me make this happen. Our family needs reunification. While I work to make that happen, we also need financial assistance.

I have to rebuild a home.  Home in the sense that it is a safe place foe my mother and son.  We need new furniture, they need new clothing.  We need a refrigerator for food, rugs for floors, paint for walls.  If it exists chances are we need it.  What we need most though is one another.

You cannot give us back our last eight months apart, but you can give us the financial foundation on which to build that which is new for us, a different address but one where we are all under one roof not 3 separate ones.

If donations by you are not possible I ask, I plead, I implore you to share our story with your social media networks. While you might not be able to send $20, perhaps two of your friends send $10.

We we just want to be together again. Please help us get there.

The link for the GoFundMe donations account is here:

Nicole, Bonnie & Clyde

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I used to have a lisp.  I often forget about it it’s been since elementary school.  I was all Cindy Brady all the time though.

Today though I am writing about a truth of my life….my vocal chords are a speech impediment.

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Bowling Night Back in the Day

Bowling Night Back in the Day



I can say without hesitation, I never bowled that night.

What did happen on this night was I came out of the closet to my friends riding down Erie Ave with me in my red Buick Century. We were lost and I just kind of blurted it out. They didn’t miss a beat though.

Those smiles are genuine, we had a fucking ball that night.

In the bottom left corner, in the black shirt is one of the biggest smiles of them all. That’s Don, a.k.a. Smoke,  The text came in this afternoon – Don passed away.

Fuck Cancer.

We were Squad.  Our numbers grew and shrunk over the years. Faces came and went. We were young though. In our 20s mostly professional absolutely degenerates… a good way.

We partied hard, we loved hard. Don maybe more than all of us.  He was always there with a laugh,  joke, a hug if you needed it. Even though we all grew older he remained young in spirit.  Our squad moved on to other careers, families. Even Don settled down and got married to a wonderful woman.

I last saw him about 3 years ago.  My life since 2007 didn’t allow me a lot of debauchery time.  It was a get together at Don’s out West.  The squad was in the house.  Well lots of us.  They even found a VCR to play tapes of our old ski trip days.

I laugh through tears now as I remember Don in the hallway of the Friar Tuck Inn, butt naked, dick swinging. Butta was screaming up the hall for Don to put some damn clothes on, the rest of us laughed saying that’s just Don.

He teased me too much about my sexual conquests but he also cared about me like a sister.  He was fucking awesome and it’s hitting me harder than I thought. We – the squad his family and planet earth – lost one of the good ones.

I’ll dance to this one last time for you Smoke. I loved you big guy, we all did.


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How Low Can You Go?

drop is real

There will be those who tell you they do not experience it, to that I say, you’ve located the ability to manage it so that it has minimal impact on your life – but it is reaL.

For our purposes here, drop is the physical and/or emotional disconnection and rehabilitation needed after a S&M scene or a BDSM event.

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What happens at Weekend Reunion – STAYS at Weekend Reunion!

Except for these excerpts I wanted to get onto paper:

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Once you’ve gotten to know me you will find that there is a consistency about me that can be either frightening or comforting.

My people can tell you how I like my coffee, what I am likely to order from a menu, which shoe I am gonna put on first and any number of things about me.  What both they and I are dealing with is mood shifts.

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