a’s tears

From the moment I saw her I wanted her. Some might call it lust at first sight, I call it determination. It was the smile. I can be quite superficial.  Mind you that superficial Aphrodite was rewarded with an ass you can sit a drink on, titties you can nuzzle all day long and the prettiest toes I’ve had in my mouth for quite some time… but it was her smile.

That smile was mesmerizing.  It beckoned me. It teased and invited me to inspect. It welcomed me like a grandmother waiting on her grands with the scent of fresh baked peanut butter cookies in the air.  It sang to me like a Luther ballad and it wrapped around my soul.

That smile.

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Innocence Lost

Over the years I’ve been exposed to a lot.  You cannot undo things that have been done.  Regardless of if  it happened to me or to someone else I spend time mourning the loss of innocence among us. Us means women in general.

tubman-quote

 

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Bonnie’s Labia

Yes I said Bonnie’s labia.

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The Clyde Whisperer

One of the things a woman worries about as a single parent is how their child will react when/if they decide to date again.

Sometimes the dating/courting process happens very early on so that the child thinks the other adult has ‘always’ been there.
Sometimes it happens after the parent – child bond is solidified and there can be tension.

Sometimes it happens when you are Clyde’s mother.

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I Know What You Did – Black BEAT 2014

My little one worries about me.  She fears that the way I express myself here and in other locations will give the wrong impression to others.  She understands that I am loving, and gentle, and intelligent, and silly and wants others to see me the way she does.  I tell her often that I don’t care, and I don’t.  How she sees me matters.  How others perceive me does not.  It is important to me to remain authentic to myself and I understand at times that will ruffle the feathers of others.

That is the risk I am willing to take to maintain my own peace.

To maintain my own peace it is important that I speak my piece.  I dislike ambiguity, I prefer you know exactly who and what I am so that you make the informed decision to fuck with me or not. That being said there are things I did not address out of deference to the man I love. He’s earned his right to expect that of me.  It is my job to live up to that expectation.

He also understands me better than most and understands my needs.  With his permission this gets written. I said with his permission.  Permission does not imply agreement.  The views expressed always have been and always will be my own.  I speak for no one other than myself.

Dissenting points of view are always welcome.  Dissenting points of view are never edited.

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Not That There’s Anything Wrong With it….

Black BEAT 2014 is in the history books and I’ve come home with some amazing memories.  I am also sore in spots.  I laughed and cried to much.  I wore my wonder shoes for too long.  Other than for when I was loading and unloading or just hanging about I wore pretty girlie dresses and make up all weekend long.

I am queer.

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What Black BEAT Still Does “Right”

No matter my personal opinion about this event is it not all a cluster fuck.  There are good things that come from this event, there are good people who plan, work and attend this event.

While Black BEAT might still be salvageable, I’ve lost my desire to bail water of the boat that is sinking.

Perhaps sharing what is good might convince someone(s) else to take my bucket.

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What Happens in the Dark? Black BEAT 2014 Recap

I have not slept since Thursday really so the full monty so to speak won’t arrive until I can reconnect with the gangsters I live with, until I can sleep and until I can process the emotions of this past weekend.

The emotions are many, my current level of coherence….not as much.

 

As a preview though I give to the good, the bad and the ugly.

 

The highlight of my weekend was of course being with B and a.  Those two people are my world. If I doubted how important they were, and mind you I never did, but if there were to be doubt, that is all the way squashed after the last 24 hours.

Another highlight was being in a place where everyone around me, or almost everyone around me resembled me.  There will always be a magic that is attached to collecting brown kinky people and that won’t change.  While the method that delivers that magic might change, or might not, the magic itself is as powerful as ever.

Highlight: laughs with old friends, connections with new people, queer round tables and a marked  difference in the visible presence of that which is not Het Normal.  I am going to dedicate a full blog to that alone.

The Bad

Same as it ever was.  The issues that have plagued Black BEAT over the past decade don’t disappear no matter how shiny and new they tell you the nickle is, don’t believe the hype.

There is still disorganization.  There is still incompetence.  There is still attitude that is not consumer friendly.  This year there was a little something more but that will get its own space as well.

 

The Ugly

This was my farewell Black BEAT tour.  It is never my intention again to pay money to this organization.  Never is such a strong word, but I use it here to describe my intention not necessarily my reality.  As long as that man that I love B is in my life?  As long as Black BEAT limps along to irrelevancy?  There is a chance that I will be back in the proverbial house.  If that happens attribute it to my love for that man and not my position on as someone said it as I left at 4am today “my people”.  Yes ma’am I caught that shade you threw.  Like the shade you’ve thrown over the years though because I choose to I will let that fly.

What was especially ugly about 2014 and the experience “In the Dark” was watching in real time the vindictive behavior of the founder who might just be the reason why Black BEAT ceases to exist.

So I am headed back to the lab to talk more about the weekend.  Enjoy in the meantime knowing that yes some of what I will share comes from a place of love while other things will come from that place my  give a fuck used to live.

 

 

Aphrodite Brown
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Thieves in the Temple

It should be simpler to find a Prince song online, but Prince is a negro.

I love his negro ass but DAMN

 

The funny thing though is of the three of us I am the least fanatic about him.  I admit though that if he came calling for any of us those left would just have to say good-bye.  Yes Prince would walk off with either my guy or my girl or both if he wanted.

I’d be a lonely girl talking in the corner to myself wondering why Prince had to take MY people.

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To My Little One

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