Did you miss me constant reader? I’ve missed you terribly. We’d gotten back into a groove this month and then life happened for me and I need a few days off.
I am no shrinking violet.
I do not bend nor break easily.
Sometimes a girl just needs someone…. who knows that the fuck to do with it.
I thought that I could come to you with better news but this was not the year of Vizionz. The final ballot is set for the Black Web Log Awards and we did not make the finals.
Yes I am disappointed. I was beyond excited about our possibilities this year.
The good news is Vizionz is still growing, still expanding, still moving on to bigger and better things.
I am thankful that you are here with me to support the effort. I am thankful for your votes. I am thankful for you constant reader more than words convey.
We will come back next year and the year after and the year after. Vizionz is here to stay.
So for my new readers and old reader I have two quick notes.
You can subscribe to Vizionz. There is no cost to subscribe and you will be notified as soon as new posts arrive.
You can also donate to keep Vizionz up an running. The donate button is over there to the right. Your donations help offset web hosting costs and the professional staff soon to arrive. Any size donation is welcome from a dollar to a million dollars. If you are sending me a million dollars please don’t do it anonymously….I am gonna wanna shout that from the 4 corners of the earth.
Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for walking the path with me. Thank you.
He laughs in his sleep. He’s done it since he was an infant. 13 years later he still does. Even after a day like today which was stressful for him – he laughs in his sleep. I sit in the chair in his room tonight as I type this. It was the sound of his laughter that called me.
The universe blessed me with the best kid ever.
They tell me about his potential, his challenges, what to expect as high school looms and after that adulthood. Right now I just want to listen to his laughter.
His smile is awesome. It lights up his whole face and it radiates bright as our sun. He still giggles. Sometimes? a full body laugh comes out of his body that eliminates the capacity one might have for sadness. You cannot be sad when he laughs.
He laughs in his sleep.
It reminds me that when I think I am not doing all that can be done, that there is some rock I’ve yet to turn, he is happy.
I value his happiness over my own. Over just about everything. I don’t always make him happy. I make him take out the trash. I enforce bedtime. I put green things on his plate called vegetables and tell him he has to eat them. I tell him no.
i do all kinds of motherly things that don’t make him smile.
I do things that generate the soon to be patented Clyde side eye.
Through it all though, on many nights when he is resting and preparing to out grow yet ANOTHER pair of shoes…..he laughs in his sleep.
When he goes to bed at night he is safe – he is comfortable – he knows he is loved and his subconscious allows happiness to radiate through his head and it generates laughter.
I don’t laugh in my sleep. Lately I’ve been having nightmares. The fact that what ails me hasn’t infected him is no small feat. It tells me no matter what there is something I am doing right. I need that at times. Proof that I am getting him right.
When I might doubt it the most – my getting it right – the universe delivers the message through the laughter of my child.
It really is the best medicine.
I’ve had my share of heated conversations over the years about victim blaming and victim shaming. It is a windmill I tilt at constantly, hoping it will topple and I can move along to something else.
The prompt for day 15 is something you cannot live without,you know because you’ve tried.
as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that men my age are having issues keeping up with my sex drive. While I’ve never thought of dating a younger man, the idea is suddenly appealing in some ways. My fear is that being beneath a younger man means I am going to have to teach him how to have sex with me. Ain’t nobody got time for that! But ain’t nobody got time to be unsatisfied at 45 either….suggestions?
October is the month of my birth. In a few short days 42 arrives. I ain’t ready. I haven’t been ready for much of what’s been dropped in my lap lately. I manage though, I often do.
My grand plan for October included a fresh new series of blogs addressing Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse. This series would specifically address the issue from the context of alternative lifestyle, specifically BDSM.
I know there is a need for the series and resources. I am setting myself up for a 2015 nomination I said to myself even as 2014 still remains unresolved. Then I went to the keyboard and nothing came out. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to admit my truth : my former intimate partner abused me, even in the context of BDSM.