Trepedation

One of the things that let’s me know I am still alive is my ability to still get nervous.  I am a tad bit jaded and a little seen it all/done it all.  When you’ve lived the life that I live there leaves little room for surprise in your space.

I can still get nervous though… and I often do.

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Old Dog

I spend a lot of time these days on the phone with my spoon and B. They give me a reference point when things get overwhelming for me here.

I spent a whole day cleaning out a literal and proverbial closet. There’s lots that needs cleaning these days and not a lot of me to get it done.

I am learning some new tricks though.

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Adjusting Aphrodite

While I figure out just how much I can type in my current condition, I understand now more than ever that self care needs to be priority number one.

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Daddy’s Little Girl

It is called arrested development.

A person gets to a certain station in their lives and something happens that stunts their emotional growth.

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Origin Story

Since I am limited in what I can write about these days I opt to write about what is not a limitation : the origin story.

Every comic hero or villian has one… it is how those things work. The thrill of the story is how Peter Parker becomes Spiderman or how Bruce Wayne becomes Batman.

That loud pop you just heard is the explosion of the brains of the comic purists who think I just committed blasphemy by mentioning a Marvel and DC character in the same sentence.

Clean up on aisle 9.

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Muscle Memory

It’s been since October 30 since I wrote here.

I went to bed that night on the eve of Halloween thinking that my life would contnue on as it always had, that nothing would change.

By noon on October 31, I was barely upright. I recall walking the streets of Center City. I recall weeping openly. I recall being so disturbing to the jaded citizens of my city that about a dozen or so people stopped to try to assist me. I recall not being able to talk.

I looked at my phone and fought to dial numbers known to me. I struggled to reach out to the people I thought I could trust.

In all honesty, I lost my ability to trust in anything that morning. The world as I’d known it for 41 years was some alien place that no longer existed for me. As person after person failed to pick up the phone I thought of Bonnie. I thought of my mother and how I had to get home to her.
I walked more, in circles it seemed. As I got closer to the subway entrances, so close I could hear the trains in the distance I knew I would die if I descended those steps.

I didn’t fear death though because I was living through something far worse.

The specific details of the events of October 31, I will not share tonight. Tonight is about muscle memory and returning to form.

Tonight is about reclaiming this one more part of me, from the world and the people who took my family, my faith, my balance, my sanity, and my hope from me.
Tonight is about being me.

By Saturday afternoon, November 1 the facade was gone and the mask I wore for Bonnie no longer held. I just barely managed to set her off to safety. Barely.

I did get her to safetey though. That means something.

By Saturday night I was in the hospital in 4 point restraints vomiting the countless pills I’d swallowed and cursing myself for not having either a gun or a stronger front door.

I attempted suicide.

By Sunday morning I was in an inpatient mental health facility. By Sunday night I was trying to calculate the hours I’d been in knowing the law would prevent them from keeping me longer than 72 hours. They would be forced to let me go and I could finish what I started.

Monday night in a dream my Clyde spoke to me. Tuesday morning I was willing to stay, because it was the one place that it felt I could be with my child who had for the second time now saved the life of his mother.

It is quiet in this house tonight. It’s never quiet here. In the deafening silence I type, understanding how far a road this is to travel.
I have to navigate it alone,that is not at all unusual. What is unusual is that I’ve yet to find a way to bring those I love with me.

I’ve been gifted with love.

I find these days it is hard to accept that gift.

2014 gave me just about everything that was ‘missing’ from my life and then kicked me out of that life and forced me to watch it from the outside.

I look at emails I cannot figure out how to form a response.
I get text messages that might as well be written in Aramaic their language is so foreign.
I woke up November 1 to something that was beyond my heart’s ability to understand and it stopped beating. It pumped blood through my veins, delivered oxygen to my lungs, yet like me it was just going through the motions ….. muscle memory.

I don’t know who I am today.

I thought that I knew. I thought I was living out a designed path that would lead me to happiness.

There is no asphalt in front of me now on this road…. just darkness. Every minute I don’t return to that place of November 1 is a victory but there is no celebration in my molecules. There is grief. There is pain. Those familiar emotions returning front and center mocking me for daring to dream.

Dragging me back to a period BC – before Clyde – and all that came with who this girl was then.

The truth is that this will end. What does not kill us makes us stronger the saying goes. I am Adamantium.

I am also as fragile and unprotected and ill prepared as that 7lb 14oz curly haired human being they placed into my arms 14 years ago and said he is yours.

I have the vizionz expansions on hold. I have so little energy these days that life support gets it all. The Enterprise cant even manage a ercentage of impulse power most days.

BUT

the fact that I can type this means the warp core will be restored…..eventually. One day.

In the meantime

this is where I insert some thoughtful phrase or inspirational quote but I got nothing right now

Aphrodite Brown

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A New Home

Did you miss me constant reader? I’ve missed you terribly. We’d gotten back into a groove this month and then life happened for me and I need a few days off.

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meow

I am no shrinking violet.

I do not bend nor break easily.

Sometimes a girl just needs someone…. who knows that the fuck to do with it.

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Next Time

I thought that I could come to you with better news but this was not the year of Vizionz.  The final ballot is set for the Black Web Log Awards and we did not make the finals.

Yes I am disappointed.  I was beyond excited about our possibilities this year.

The good news is Vizionz is still growing, still expanding, still moving on to bigger and better things.

I am thankful that you are here with me to support the effort.  I am thankful for your votes.  I am thankful for you constant reader more than words convey.

We will come back next year and the year after and the year after.  Vizionz is here to stay.

So for my new readers and old reader I have two quick notes.

You can subscribe to Vizionz.  There is no cost to subscribe and you will be notified as soon as new posts arrive.

You can also donate to keep Vizionz up an running.  The donate button is over there to the right.  Your donations help offset web hosting costs and the professional staff soon to arrive.  Any size donation is welcome from a dollar to a million dollars. If you are sending me a million dollars  please don’t do it anonymously….I am gonna wanna shout that from the 4 corners of the earth.

Thank you for being here with me.  Thank you for walking the path with me.  Thank you.

 

Aphrodite Brown

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Hooked on Phonics

I took a few days here at the homestead to handle that which needs handling.  In the absence of my presence here I ran across some thoughts and writings from my peers in the world of BDSM advocates and educators.

My vizion takes a slightly different path than theirs….. I wonder why.

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