she

His eyes are brown.  She knew that of course but she stared at the brown eyes like they were the first time she’d seen them.  They were tired eyes but they still managed to twinkle as they looked at her.  She smiled.

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home again

I was surrounded by the comfort of all that is familiar to me wondering how much longer that comfort would remain.

There really is nothing like sleeping in your own bed.  My bed which will soon be in a storage facility.  Along with all that is ours while I seek the new roof and walls we will call home.

I missed my cat the most.  Onyx who is always happy to see me even though she doesn’t want to admit it.  Who cuddles with me during the nights which are not quite as long as they used to be but not as short as I need them to be these days.

I slept like I had not in days.  I woke to the space heater and the purring of my cat and I allowed myself for the first time to think about what things are going to look like on May 1.

That scares me but what scares me more is how comfortable that building is for me.  It’s not home.  It hasn’t been for sometime.  It is comfortable though….more so than it should be at this stage.

I look at the campaign my spoon started. I smile at the generosity of those known and unknown.  I wonder what it would take to go viral like so many other campaigns have over the years.  I wonder if I said Onyx needed a haircut if more people could find their inner charity and extend some our way.

Its strange how I finally let myself rely on the human condition and find myself questioning it still in different ways but still questioning.

 

I don’t want to ever run out of questions.

I could just also use a few answers right now.

 

Answers like why that phone call was finally answered. Why it was answered in the way it was. How much further I am willing to push this before I lay down the sword and allow the inevitable to happen.

Aphrodite Brown

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Do Not Disturb

The day that Carla came to see me in the emergency room I gave her my telephone.

I smile at that because I should say ‘cell phone’ but I am of age where I understand there is more than one type of phone.   Since my cell phone is pretty much my only phone I can call it my telephone.  Little things.

Before I gave her the phone I used a neat little feature it contains called Do Not Disturb.  I know I would be away for a while, I didn’t expect 21 days but I  knew it would be a while.

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Rockwell Ave

A friend in need….

If there is one thing that I’ve learned about myself over the years it is that I am good at taking care of people.  I’m so good at it I often forget to take care of myself in the middle of that care for others.

I rarely ask for things which I need.  I almost never admit that I am the person in need of assistance.

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PSA – Atlanta Peachy Kink

Hi there constant reader!

If you’ve been here for a while you might recall that I’ve previously spoken highly of a BDSM organization known as Atlanta Peachy Kink or APK.

Prior to their inaugural event in the spring of 2014 I was personally involved with the silent partner of the organization.  She and I were in an intimate physical relationship. I loved her.

While my involvement with her certainly colored my enthusiasm for the event I felt at that time it was a worthy event to carry the endorsement of the Vizionz brand.

In the months since that successful event my relationship with the silent partner and the visible spokesperson have disintegrated.

That puts me in a bit of an awkward situation. I needed to decide if the healthy endorsement I gave the event last year was something I could do this year.

The answer to that is no.

While I am not speaking against the event I can no longer speak in favor of the event.

As of this date the domain name for APK has expired.  There is to my knowledge no announcement of dates and/or locations for the event in 2015.

One of the reasons I’ve retracted my endorsement of other events is a severe lack of organization and communication with the consumer.  While APK is a new event I cannot excuse them for behavior I’ve argued against with others.

The only fair thing to do is remove the endorsement of Vizionz.

I don’t know if there will be a Peachy Kink in 2015.  If there is I encourage you to investigate the event announcement for yourself and decided if the event is something that appeals to you as a consumer.

I will say though that Aphrodite will not be there if it happens.  I am opting to spend my time and money elsewhere.

 

Aphrodite Brown

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DejaVu

One of the things my grandmother used to say is that everything old is new again.  It didn’t make sense to me as a kid.  Shit there are times as an adult those mom-mom sayings go over my head.  She was the wisest woman I knew.  She might still be the wisest woman.

I am often cryptic about the details of my personal life.  I give  you lots of details about Bonnie & Clyde.  I give you lots of talk about anal sex and fisting.  I give a lot less about my relationships.

Sometimes though I open the blinds and allow a peek inside because at those times it is more about sharing my learning experience than telling all of my business.

It’s been difficult to write here lately. The process I am still going through calls for radio silence.  While it is awkward for me, it is necessary to get the result needed.  If things were different there would be so many MORE posts.  They are not different though and sadly I am different.

I am altered by what’s happened and I am cautious in ways that I previously rejected.

Caution be damned for the moment though I have something to say.

a had a saying that she tossed out all of the time  and I never got it.  I can be quite dense and I can be purposely obtuse as she often said.

In this matter my inability to get it was not with purpose.  It was the difference in the design of two women.  “I look at you two and you are happy and in love….how am I supposed to feel about that”

That is the quote.

I am willing to wager that some of you don’t get it either.

The reference appeared often when she was being called on a behavior.  It was a deflection. She accused B of always taking “my” side.  It rarely occurred to her that he and I were in agreement because she was in the wrong.  Perhaps it did though making the assertion more sinister in nature than I was previously willing to attribute to her.  I know precisely what she is capable of now though… even if it came too late.

I thought then we were building a family.  I thought I was loved in the way that I loved.

My love for B is obvious.  I thought that my love for her was equally obvious.

B has a way of looking at me like I am the only woman in the world.  It is amazing. He is amazing.  I know that he loves me and in that love I’ve found safety that I didn’t know I needed.

I watched though as B looked at my spoon. He looks at her like SHE is the only woman in the world.

It was in those moments as I watched the two of them that I ALMOST got what it is that a meant.

ALMOST

His love for her is intense – immense – immeasurable.

Yet watching the two of them never once made me feel out of place or out of time.

It was my joy to watch two people who love one another express that love in the ways they shared with me.  I was in fact honored to witness it.

I’ve written about compersion before and this was an example that was  more pure in its manifestation than what I experienced prior.   I could toss out a whole bunch of reasons why but the WHY is less important at this moment.

I won’t lie and say I wasn’t jealous.  I was.  In my defense though you haven’t seen my spoon’s ass.  Booty envy doesn’t erode compersion.

There were many things that could go sideways about our time.  There were lots of things that could have gon badly and created a whole different blog post.

Those things didn’t happen though.  We simply enjoyed our time together.  What a concept hunh?

I know without exception that they both love me.  I hope they know without exception I love them.  I hope they understand that without them in my life on November 1 – I would not be here.

Without their support over these weeks I would not be standing.

Without them I would be in the dark and not even attempting to look for the light. The light that they both are in different ways but neither less important than the other.

 

As rough as the last two months have been is how rough the next two shall be.  In the end though they are with me on this road in part and I am humbled they choose to fight with me instead of watching me swing until my arms grow weary.

For just a few hours I felt like the old girl … even though that girl is a gone girl.

Those hours were far too short.  The new hours coming seem so damned far away.

Aphrodite Brown

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Trepedation

One of the things that let’s me know I am still alive is my ability to still get nervous.  I am a tad bit jaded and a little seen it all/done it all.  When you’ve lived the life that I live there leaves little room for surprise in your space.

I can still get nervous though… and I often do.

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Old Dog

I spend a lot of time these days on the phone with my spoon and B. They give me a reference point when things get overwhelming for me here.

I spent a whole day cleaning out a literal and proverbial closet. There’s lots that needs cleaning these days and not a lot of me to get it done.

I am learning some new tricks though.

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Adjusting Aphrodite

While I figure out just how much I can type in my current condition, I understand now more than ever that self care needs to be priority number one.

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Daddy’s Little Girl

It is called arrested development.

A person gets to a certain station in their lives and something happens that stunts their emotional growth.

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