One of the things my grandmother used to say is that everything old is new again. It didn’t make sense to me as a kid. Shit there are times as an adult those mom-mom sayings go over my head. She was the wisest woman I knew. She might still be the wisest woman.
I am often cryptic about the details of my personal life. I give you lots of details about Bonnie & Clyde. I give you lots of talk about anal sex and fisting. I give a lot less about my relationships.
Sometimes though I open the blinds and allow a peek inside because at those times it is more about sharing my learning experience than telling all of my business.
It’s been difficult to write here lately. The process I am still going through calls for radio silence. While it is awkward for me, it is necessary to get the result needed. If things were different there would be so many MORE posts. They are not different though and sadly I am different.
I am altered by what’s happened and I am cautious in ways that I previously rejected.
Caution be damned for the moment though I have something to say.
a had a saying that she tossed out all of the time and I never got it. I can be quite dense and I can be purposely obtuse as she often said.
In this matter my inability to get it was not with purpose. It was the difference in the design of two women. “I look at you two and you are happy and in love….how am I supposed to feel about that”
That is the quote.
I am willing to wager that some of you don’t get it either.
The reference appeared often when she was being called on a behavior. It was a deflection. She accused B of always taking “my” side. It rarely occurred to her that he and I were in agreement because she was in the wrong. Perhaps it did though making the assertion more sinister in nature than I was previously willing to attribute to her. I know precisely what she is capable of now though… even if it came too late.
I thought then we were building a family. I thought I was loved in the way that I loved.
My love for B is obvious. I thought that my love for her was equally obvious.
B has a way of looking at me like I am the only woman in the world. It is amazing. He is amazing. I know that he loves me and in that love I’ve found safety that I didn’t know I needed.
I watched though as B looked at my spoon. He looks at her like SHE is the only woman in the world.
It was in those moments as I watched the two of them that I ALMOST got what it is that a meant.
His love for her is intense – immense – immeasurable.
Yet watching the two of them never once made me feel out of place or out of time.
It was my joy to watch two people who love one another express that love in the ways they shared with me. I was in fact honored to witness it.
I’ve written about compersion before and this was an example that was more pure in its manifestation than what I experienced prior. I could toss out a whole bunch of reasons why but the WHY is less important at this moment.
I won’t lie and say I wasn’t jealous. I was. In my defense though you haven’t seen my spoon’s ass. Booty envy doesn’t erode compersion.
There were many things that could go sideways about our time. There were lots of things that could have gon badly and created a whole different blog post.
Those things didn’t happen though. We simply enjoyed our time together. What a concept hunh?
I know without exception that they both love me. I hope they know without exception I love them. I hope they understand that without them in my life on November 1 – I would not be here.
Without their support over these weeks I would not be standing.
Without them I would be in the dark and not even attempting to look for the light. The light that they both are in different ways but neither less important than the other.
As rough as the last two months have been is how rough the next two shall be. In the end though they are with me on this road in part and I am humbled they choose to fight with me instead of watching me swing until my arms grow weary.
For just a few hours I felt like the old girl … even though that girl is a gone girl.
Those hours were far too short. The new hours coming seem so damned far away.