One of the things about the uptick in ‘visitors’ and this moment in the story of Nicole is that things float to the surface I did not expect.

I still have pages that exist here on Vizionz, they are marked private at the moment but I’ve told a story other than the one currently being edited. It was the story of what happened after 2007 until the incident. As I consider just what the text will look like and how it will be distributed I began to think about what other aspects in the story of me I would have to account for at some point,

When I think about the separation, I realize that there is only 1 person out here on the West Coast who knows most of that time of me. I still get frustrated with myself that someone so unworthy has that but ____ does not. I remind myself that the relationship is different, but it sure would explain a whole lot of my mood in this moment.

I just woke up at my usual today and understood at some point today I would have to write this. I thought that it would be earlier in the day but the fact I made it here to the desk is a victory and we take all that come this way. A part of the understanding is that when things change I have this whole history here. I took the YouTube videos down. I will get around to taking the TikToks down. I will end up deleting Facebook and most likely IG. This here though…..I don’t know if I can do that. Funny that I can’t imagine myself removing this or making more of it private when I know I am hopping off Twitter but here is different than the rest of them.

Here is where all of the story exists. Yes when it came to Grant I extended the story beyond its expiration date but the rest of this is the real deal as it happened documentation of me. That includes 2007.

I get that some do not understand me out here, but they don’t know all that came before I landed. How seeing Bonnie in that hospital bed and all that came after shaped me and affects me in moments like this.

I made those pages private years ago. I realized – kinda – that even though telling my story protected me in may ways giving the ‘public’ too much data put me at risk. I would later realize so much more but I took those pages down not to protect her bitch ass but myself and family.

While I could not recall what prompted the thought, perhaps it was a dream. I do recall that the only explanation needed, as is almost always the case is the truth.

I don’t have to worry – much – about her stepping in to siphon off the momentum. Her own actions tell the story. If I were the person she will allege her INaction from 2007 until [what time is it now?] says it all. The same way my actions (imperfect as they were and are) say what doesn’t end up in the first book.

I still have animosity and I don’t think that will go away.

I still have things going on that can be traced back to those early days and beyond.

While I might be weary at the moment with 3 more weeks of exhaustion ahead of me she ain’t one of them.