one of the challenges i face when coming here is that despite my efforts i cannot share here in the manner i’ve done in the past because i am still holding onto the concept that this page is being watched now mind you it is being watched but i have not yet realigned myself to not care about that i’ve written over and over that i won’t give them that power but i have not yet reclaimed it so that is that this never ends and i have to accept that it will not end in a sense i dont want it to end because that pain is something i feel as if i earned and should remember and will keep me humble but i also want it to end because it guts me every time the calendar hit this date everytime everytime everytime in fact i am kinda shocked i am here writing based on how hard this particular anniversary day is in 2025 i understand why and a part of the why is related to all of the tings happening that i have not shared here the reality is that i will share at some point and i will go back to the transparency youve gotten used to from me i really just cannot add to the weight i am carrying that those 2 people can smirk yes i understand that those smirks will be wiped clean when editing is completed but i am still editing and today is not that day shit it is hard enough to say out loud that i miss my son especially when i think back to that disgusting this he wrote that may day there is not a day that i dont miss my baby and i spend too much time telling myself he is better without me the truth is not exactly that but i say it because the alternative is crippling by this time on the east coast i was leaving the hospital and just fucking numb i had to collect bonnie from the neighbors and prepare for her departure the next day i sent her off in my favorite coat one that lewis bought me ironically i guess he did something right like a fucking stopped clock someone wanted to come over and i said no i cant right myself enough for company even though technically they are not company i have just given a lot the past couple months and with all that the month of november holds i dont have the bandwidth for anyone not even that special person i feel like being held by them might help but i also know that it will turn on the tears and they will not stop i dont have the time to cry right now i have a rumble to attend and i have to keep editing it is my goal to have things wrapped by the end of the year and i dont think i will hit that mark but as long as i have internet i am going to work for it and that reminds me of everything that i have to work for all of the time and i want to ask the universe when can i have an exhale moment after all isnt that what i came here for well i thought that is why i mean obviously not but that was my intention and it was pure at the time i want to hold my boy and tell him that mommy loves him and watch him sleep and eat and be the beautiful boy he is and i cannot have it and with every year that passes i feel reminded that i wont ever have it and that pain that fucking pain makes a bitch not want to wake up somedays i do though and i go on but fuck it hurts