It’s been a while. The journey continues and for the first time in quite some time I acknowledged the date. Dates pop up these days out of no where and I deal with them in a variety of ways. We were talking about what things would look like with an infant on the schedule. That generated a great deal of laughter, neither of us is on infant time these days. The details were kinda Carlin in his prime laughter days and laughter is always welcome in a sense.

Yesterday we spoke about the dates. 3 years ago life changed in an unexpected way. The aftermath of that is still felt. The scars are still visible. The healing is still in process. I wonder at times if healing is happening elsewhere. Why? It is who I am. I still have moments when I wonder about Grant. That was a love before the occasions of life, and before innocence was tarnished. The recency of this simply means the questions infiltrate more often.

I still have moments when I want to put on a cape, and in those moments I remind myself most niggas don’t want salvation, rather they covet proximity. That is a battle I will never win and the cape goes back into the trunk.

One of the moments of contemplation plus the conversation has me asking about who I am in this moment. Am I prepared to walk back into that space? The most truthful answer is no, but that does not mean I won’t venture back into the space. I said something the other day; knowing me as you know me now, can you say what you see matches what was then? There was a smirk and a no. That was from me but it was met with a match from my conversation mate.

Based on current circumstance, I have fewer concerns about the odd interaction. I mean, it will happen most likely as long as I remain here, but the day to day anxiety is lessened. Less is a blessing in this moment.

I can admit that there is still anger. In a fashion that will always remain. It didn’t have to happen how it did. For about 2 weeks the pollyanna in me thought we could separate without animosity. I thought that our years of friendship and love meant something….to him. While I won’t ever be a fly on the wall to see the specific moment the shift happened, I do find solace that it did. You know I can hold on forever, and those specific activities sliced through the leash.

The biggest challenge has been accepting the flaws I possess which walked me into that situation. Mind you, I am not taking responsibility for his behavior or her jealousy — rather this is about understanding Nicole to the point that I diminished myself to allow that series of events. The excuses I made to accept what did not enhance me.

This is a week of reflection and progress. This is a life of learning.