Two years ago, about this time I was at work nervous as hell. The artist previously known as August 4 was in town, and there was a chance I would see him that day. No promises, his trip was for business not pleasure, but I logically figured if I was there and Tempest was there, the statistical odds of him appearing were well better than average.

This photo was taken in the truck. I hadn’t yet put on my makeup. I was on the street in front of the Adobe, trying to untie the knots in my stomach. It was years prior that I’d last seen him, but he always had an effect on me since our first hello.

I agonized over the outfit, the accessories, the make up even. I wanted him to know I put work into appearing for him. I feared that he would think me foolish, or that I was doing too much. Perhaps I *did* do too much because the munch group was a little shocked to see me as I presented. They didn’t know what I knew, a boy I really liked might appear.

I can still recall the look on her face when she saw me. You’d have to know her to understand it, but it was a combination of shock, disgust, curiosity and determination. We sat at the table with our guests, and I recall how she tried more than usual to hand me the conversation. I was having NONE of it. We hadn’t yet had the arguments over who’s munch it was, but that day there was not a question. The speak component of speak and sing was not going to be managed by me that night. I needed to be available….just in case.

Just in case came through the main door. I looked up to the bar and saw that familiar scowl, and then something else. Appreciation. He would eventually smile, all animals bare their teeth, but the smile wasn’t immediate. I did smile though. The pace of my breath and heartbeat increased and there was a familiar tingle in my groin.

I got up to greet him and was rewarded with a smack on the ass. What can I say, some things never change. The table noticed my flushed face and subdued behavior. So did she. It wasn’t surprising he took a seat at the head of the table. What was somewhat surprising was her behavior. I’ve always known if you put the 3 of us together in a room, something like that would happen. With our collective history that is impossible to avoid, what I didn’t expect was his response. Somewhere along the conversation, it became just the two of us. I wasn’t unhappy just as I shared, surprised.

The conversation ended as they always do, we retreated to the rear of the establishment as we always did for the singing. I can’t recall what I sang that night. I know I did, I always do. I suspect I was good, after all I was trying to impress. I somehow even managed to not totally ignore our guests in the back and socialized some.

I remember feeling lighter than normal, sexier than normal, funnier than normal. His presence showed Adobe a version of Nicole they hadn’t seen before. I was seeing a version of me I’d missed. I asked him if he’d sing. He declined. I looked up at him and smiled, asked him if he’d dance with me. He told me he’d not had enough to drink yet and maybe… maybe never sounded so sweet.

I never drifted far from him that evening, and when it was clear he was going to leave I walked out with him.

I was an 11 year old girl on a walk with her first crush. I think I even tripped once. I didn’t say any of the things I wanted to say, instead I asked if he had a good time. I asked about his business which brought him to Philly. I asked about everything but what I wanted, and when he grew tired of my rambling, he kissed me. I hadn’t been kissed that way, since the last time I was kissed by him. I did manage to ask him if he wanted me to leave with him. He declined. I asked was he sure and he declined again. I was livid, but as always will be, he’s not someone I can argue with or say no to, ever. So when he said he would see me that Saturday I agreed.

The details of that Saturday haven’t fully been shared, and won’t in this post.

What I will share is that when I left him Sunday, I did not want to leave. Even though who we were then was not what we became, it was difficult to leave him. I felt immediately empty, had immediate loss as the truck turned onto the highway. I even took the wrong exit adding 30 minutes to the drive home.

I left that hotel after doing things for him, with him that I’d not consider doing for anyone else.

I remember how restless I was overnight. Constantly fighting even on the subconscious level the battle between what I wanted to do, what I thought was appropriate to do, and what I thought he would allow me to do. I tossed and turned so much that night resisting the compulsion, its a wonder he ever agreed to sleep next to me again. He did agree to it though, and my gratitude for that is immeasurable.

I can’t say we were “meant to be”, he’d say there is not fate, rather we make choices and create our own destiny.

I will say that I was sure leaving him, he was someplace I could choose to stay if I ever got the courage to ask.

I knew that I wanted him desperately when I had to leave him, and turns out…he sort of liked me too.

I didn’t know I would love him the way I do. Frankly I resisted it, who needs love? I do. I need it and I need him.

Two years ago I would not have expected this moment in time. Life comes at you fast though and being honest….I have measurable joy these days. He isn’t the why but without him, nope all I am feeling doesn’t hit the same way.

I hope I bring him as much joy as he brings me. If for some reason right now I am not? I’m prepared to spend the rest of my days making that attempt.

For now I just look at the calendar and the news and wait for the moment when we can plan travel again. He’s not sleeping when I get my hands on him again.