Everything was impossible to that girl. I’m thankful that she was shown differently, after all every girl deserves the ability to dream.

When she started dreaming she had to do battle with the stories she told herself. She doesn’t win every battle but she fights everyone, and that is acceptable.

In the irony of me there is the girl who is tough as shit and can knuckle up with anyone who resides with the girl who fears lots and wonders if taking that chance is something she wishes to do. Prince had two sides which were both friends, I do not. Each of these girls is in combat and the trick to this new life is not allowing exhaustion to set in because they want to play WWF.

Daddy and I had a long exchange yesterday and we had to face some serious truths neither of us enjoyed. The road to Vallejo is longer than we planned. It makes me want to burn everything, and it wakes up the girl who shouts that’s what you get for thinking and dreaming now STOP!

I’m also that girl though who will not stop and there is the conundrum.

Life is not scripted and it doesn’t play out like a novel designed to have a happy ending. It is full of adventure and some of those frankly are not pleasant. 2 years ago the concept of loving again wasn’t something I was ready to manage. Fuck love.

You can read through 10 years of love here and see that it didn’t end all that well for me.

It did in some aspects, but like the old girl I was focused on the fault and not the stars.

2 years ago the thought of loving this man wasn’t something that I would think possible. Impossible I told myself.

When we met it was ‘impossible’. His connections and my connections and opportunity and circumstance all said no. That immediate lightening bolt, and persistent drawn be damned the answer was no. How could we feed that without destroying all that surrounded us? What kind of human being did that?

Then we were given our moment in time. I knew then what was possible and I both fought for it and against it. I was told then that he was leaving. It made him ‘perfect’. I could stand in that moment and be reminded of the possibilities, understand that they would not happen with him, and be given hope for a future which I wanted – even though I would still deny that for years and years – without the responsibility of actually working for it.

My pride would not allow me to say then, what the rest of me wanted to say. We had an agreement and to do anything other that live up to that agreement would be contrary to who I am. So I let go, physically.

When the need became too great I’d reach out, and it held me until the next time. I explained to myself that I would be just fine with being his friend and having my memories. In some moments even I wasn’t lying. He is one of the few people on this 3rd Rock that I can say his happiness is higher on the pyramid of needs than my own.

Then on a mundane summer day he said he was arriving and it upended my world. I had to have the conversation with my roommate I didn’t want to ever have, and then I had to expose myself and risk. There was once someone who made my heart stop beating every time I saw him for the first time. Literally stop and take my breath away. That didn’t happen that Friday night in South Philadelphia. What happened was I smiled, and my heart beat faster and I felt joy. I was experiencing the difference then even if I was not aware of it, and this is better. That night brought many things to the surface, things which are still playing out as I type this entry. What it also did was make the impossible, improbable. The groan from my cells as we drug ourselves away from that kiss was painful, and its still clear as anything to me in this moment. That next day ….and night ….delivered the truth to me, even if I was not ready to say it – I did not want to live without this man.

This was before he shared aspects of his reality. Aspects I still struggle to understand to this day even if I am both thankful for them and hate them simultaneously. Yes, I still want the total and complete reasons why but at this point they truly are irrelevant. What matters is, the universe put us both here.

In that year + between seeing him I actually struggled. I struggled with many things, but his was unique. How amazing did I find it that he shared my struggle? By August of last year in the back room on Payson St I found the improbable, possible. By the end of epic birthday weekend I knew where I belonged and that girl would do anything to have the possible.

And today I live in the inevitable. The hard part of the inevitable is that in today’s reality inevitable is further away than when the possible turned to inevitable. That is what troubles me this afternoon. We did almost everything ‘right’ and then this happens and the 18 month plan which seemed fucking enormous at it’s inception has suddenly become who the fuck knows. This will be managed though, as all things are. I miss him terribly though. I worry about the twists and turns which are also inevitable.

The girl today though has faith, and if you know the two of us you know why that world is inherently funny.

I have faith though, and hope and dreams. How amazing is that?