In this particular scene Michael Douglas is complying to his wife that he was powerless in his circumstance.

I recall a story I’d read in a magazine or newspaper back then, a review of the movie. The review was scathing. It was a dissection of yt male privilege and how this story did a disservice to the real damage sexual harassment does to a person. Douglas’ character asks: “When did I have the power?” The response of the reviewer was – always. The exchange brought to my center the challenging times I live in, and hearing Douglas whine about yt men being the enemy could be ripped from today’s headlines.

The more curious connection for me though is trying to lean back into the work to happiness and reminding myself that I am the only obstacle, I hold all of the power.

I freak out about money a lot. It’s the after effects of both conditioning and circumstance. I fret when I have to spend money on things, always worried that a failure in budget will set me back to a place where I have to dig out of a financial hole.

It’s not a real thing, its a me thing.

No I am not gong to be wealthy at the current gig, but looking at where I was just 2 years ago the progress is exponential.

When it comes to expenditures on a large scale, anything over say $100 [which is not all that large if I am honest] my reaction is anything from panic attacks to avoidance. The truck’s inspection was due, well overdue. The truck is essential to my being here in Narnia. While the plan was that I would be living in SouthWest Philly I ended up here, and being here transportation is a necessity. When you live in a place without sidewalks a reliable vehicle is a thing that is needed.

I worried and worked myself up about the costs. I asked Storm if she would split the costs and when that answer was an essential no, then fear paralysis took hold. I panicked when I thought of all that might need to be done to get the truck to pass inspection. I also panicked on the occasions when I had to take the truck out. The days turned into weeks, and I found myself just in constant terror.

I came back from my trip able to face this demon. Yes the truck needed work, yes it was more $$$ than I had on me in the moment, but as I stood at the counter and listened to the options I took it on faith that eventually the mechanic would say something I could manage and he did. And I didn’t have to all back on an old trick to make it happen.

I realize that it is small moments like this which will propel me, and the things which are upcoming suddenly don’t seem as daunting. There is a different life that I can lead. I can’t yet say I am looking forward to it, but I can absolutely say that relying on that which I know works, even when it seems like it is not, is forward motion.

I can do this.

Aphrodite Brown