In addition to the pain of not having my family I had to try to identify who this person was who no longer had which defined her. It was in that time I cemented my rejection of the normal, the concept that I wasn’t _____ without _____. Shades of that existed within me prior, but this was the point in time where this version of me took unshakable root.

My mornings consisted of first breakfast, second breakfast, general house upkeep and school work or writing. My day turned into what the hell am I supposed to do? I generally ate because I needed to feed someone else. I washed clothes because uniforms and day gowns don’t wash themselves. The floor got vacuumed because Bonnie didn’t give a damn what was on it and getting Clyde to use the vacuum was at times beyond my energy to supervise it was simpler to do myself.

In the time after I’ve missed segments of that life.

Before Clyde the general domestic duties of life were not something I did. I excelled at ordering out, I was almost never home to make a mess needing cleaning, I was much more likely to buy clothes than wash them. I keep telling you guys I was a savage. I turned into a form of domestic with Bonnie & Clyde and found out I did not hate it. The idea of cleaning a toilet is never something I enjoy, but I learned a level of appreciation for it.

It wasn’t the domestic, it was being able to care and provide for someone that I love. Now had I continued to be able to work and earn the ways I had previously that might have manifested in paying someone to do all of that for me, but that was not my path.

Yes I did lost a sense of myself in those 7 years, the version of me who rolled out into the world was now the me who baked cakes, never pies.

I gained something else though. This version of me is softer, better able to love, and generous. In their absence I could not revert to only savage me. I was also deprived of the altered me. I was a woman without a role. While I know I will have another role at some point it doesnt alter that emptiness I experienced and that doubt which forms in the absence of clear purpose.

It’s not that I am without purpose I just am arrogant enough to resist what the new purpose presents. I inherently know I will be less arrogant on my return trip home, I just don’t yet know how ready I will be to dive into that new me.

I think back to my apartment and her absence of furniture. I think back to the rooms which were populated and realized how much of the altered me still remained. The beds were always made, the floors were always clean, and that toilet..always fresh. It seems like such a little thing, keeping a clean house. I just look and understand even though I lived most of those days there alone, the habits created caring for the people I love remained.

Not being able to perform for them didn’t stop the need to do it. It also helps that the organization helps to stave off some of the anxiety issues and other things.

I rarely got to clean for The Man. It happened but in our times together it was never the priority. These days I don’t know what the priority was anymore and that is not a bad thing.

I am not surprised that small things fell into place quickly. The need to do these things is obviously a part of me. It’s different than the current mailing address. It’s not that I think Storm doesn’t appreciate what I do, mostly. It’s in part our opposing personalities. I see things she doesn’t. I have a differnt vizion from hers. No matter what I do there outside of my immediate living space will never remain that way, its not in her. Even though things here might not remain this is more a matter of circumstance and inaccessibility than a part of who she is as an individual. The invitation wasn’t extended with the intention of work, and while certain things come from the role itself, its understood that my actions come from love not from judgment.

That matters.

There are stories I tell to the people around me now. This is how you can tell my mental state, even if I say things are ‘fine’. Fine is simple, it rolls off the tongue with almost no effort and never invites the dialogue which comes with not fine. One of those things is the condition of the house. If you walk into my room after I’ve showered and the bed isn’t made, its one of the first signs. Outside of the day the sheets get changed, I don’t know that I’ve made my bed in 2019. That says something, and I will need to address that something. There are other things too, but lets just leave it there for a moment. Walking into the room at the end of the day here to see my made bed with Cola waiting to be cuddled says something as well.

This experience is temporary as many are. The goal though is to extend things and I will. I owe it to myself.

Aphrodite Brown