Under Consideration

The term under consideration is one that is often used in this thing that we do to indicate that two (or more) people are exploring the possibility of making a D/s or M/s connection or relationship.

The consideration process is going to be different for each relationship, some relationships don’t use a ‘formal’ consideration process at all.

The simplest way to explain it, even though this won’t do it justice:

In the vanilla world as we in kink call it, two people meet.  They speak or go on a couple of exploratory dates and after a period of time, they come to the MUTUAL conclusion that they are a couple.   This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are exclusive.  This does not necessarily mean that the two of them will do anything more than just date as they have been.

The consideration process is similar to that period of dating before you make a more significant commitment.  That commitment could be moving in together, that commitment could be marriage.  What will be clear is that there is a shift from what you were doing to what you are doing which is something more substantial.  Consideration is substantial, or at least it should be considered substantial.

There are those in the lifestyle that would equate under consideration to being engaged in a vanilla world.  I would not personally go that far in a definition, but some do.

The Top & the bottom engaging in this activity will discuss to them what under consideration actually will mean.  This might be the first opportunity the couple has to operate under a specifically designed structure, not just we are two kinky people doing stuff.

The consideration period should be negotiated like every other aspect of these interactions.  You can set parameters for things like:

  • monogamy
  • sexual activity
  • service goals
  • pushing limits
  • training
  • expectations

and so many other things. This is the time before you make a commitment that you can as a participant in the relationship, see if this relationship will be a good fit for you.

Many people who are new to BDSM get so excited about all the new lovely experiences they now get to do and try that they forget – even a BDSM relationship is a RELATIONSHIP.  The parameters may be different, and the sex may be different, but what you have at the core of a BDSM relationship is two people learning to understand and trust one another.  That process is not different because whips and chains excite you.

While your eventual goal might be to have a power exchange relationship, you can’t get there overnight. Like any vanilla relationship there is a process to how you get to happily ever after.

Before you make any commitment to a relationship, it is 100% acceptable to use the same common sense that you would use in a vanilla relationship.

It is also perfectly acceptable to take you time walking into a commitment.

A consideration period doesn’t have to have a time limit.  If someone tells you something like: we will have a 30 day consideration period and on day 31 I will collar you…..




The Dominant that tells you something like that is not one that understands the intricacies of this life, and the responsibility that he actually has to his charge. An arbitrary time limit on a consideration period, especially one as short as 30 days is simply dangerous.

One can not possibly learn all that they need to know to make a possibly life long choice in 30 days. Khloe Kardashian be damned life is not a television show. If you would not marry someone 31 days after you meet them, accepting a collar from a Dominant 31 days after you meet them is not very different.

The consideration period can be a valuable tool to both the top and the bottom to determine if they could possibly make a power exchange relationship work.  That will happen if there is open communication, earnest and honest communication in negotiations, and commitment to the process.

The consideration period is NOT a promise ring that the parties will come out on the other end with a successful relationship. It is not a guarantee, it is simply one of many tools that one should/could use when thinking about entering into this realm.

So the question that I got was:  My Dominant doesn’t believe in a consideration period, does that mean he is not serious about me and our dynamic?

No it does not. 

Like almost everything else in this thing that we do the consideration period is not universal and static. Not every Dominant or Master will use one, nor should they be expected to be a cookie cutter image of any other Dominant or Master.  Some will have a getting to know you period, but despise the phrase Under Consideration, so they will tell you that they do not have one.

What you call the getting to know you period is not as important as you actually getting to know the other person.  Call it dick on a stick if you like, but please don’t just jump into the collar of the first Dominant that shows you one, without having first done your due diligence.


Bottom Bitch