We all hold truths close to the vest. Sometimes so close we do not even see them ourselves. It’s sobering to realize you’ve been lying to yourself. When you are me, it puts you in the precarious place where all of the old habits and ‘coping’ tools decide this new path is no longer worth it and you need protection again.

One of the truths I needed to admit to myself last night was that Philadelphia is not good for me. Looking at nothing more than my waistline should have been the answer but I can be tone deaf even when not on the karaoke mic.

The woman who walked out of the Summer House and landed on Payson St is not the woman I am as I sit at the table and type and I ask myself what happened to her? The truth is that she – that woman on Payson St was fighting for survival, and here I am not in those same ways. She was constantly driving to prove that she could survive on her own, and that she was better than her surroundings. This woman fells complacent and entitled. That the only thing she is fight for is the relationship which is already hers so it is not a fight at all.

It’s been a tough transition from summer to fall for me. That week in San Fran did a lot and feels in this moment a blessing and a curse and I am not actually sure which is more valid or prevalent at the moment. That fucking sucks.

Why isn’t Philly good? I unpacked a little of this with my little one last night. Philly is ‘safe’. Who doesn’t want safety? I still don’t wear the skin of safety well. I would like to, and I will one day but let’s be real, in this moment I don’t. I’ve spent so much more time outside of safe that the cloak of safe still burns my skin. I know that no matter what, there is someplace to land. If the company separated me tomorrow, the roommate would work with me for a month or 2, and if that failed the bestie is 20 minutes away and there is a sofa to sleep on and I would not go hungry.

There was no such thing with Charm City. If I did not do it, then it didn’t happen, even with the support of the Daddy person. The Daddy person could write a check, but he wasn’t there the morning I got out of the shower to the muzzle of an assault rifle. If I didn’t make it happen then it didn’t. I made the tough choices and the rewards for that steadfastness was landing here.

The biggest stressor right now is work. It is bad. I feel as if the pressure of showing up everyday will rip me apart and I want to give it all up. I won’t. I cannot. Too much rides on this.

There is a mediation date and I am hopeful that it ends in my favor. If it doesn’t it throws every plan into chaos and I am not sure what that looks like. I don’t doubt my ability to adapt and adjust, but the uncertainty of that makes my blood run cold.

Did I know it would be this bad? No. I knew it would be tough, and at times awful. I didn’t expect a day like yesterday though and yesterday was a lot.

I have to ask myself is it worth it? The Daddy person told me it was, and encouraged me yesterday. In that moment it didn’t feel like it, but I gave the answer – the only answer – yes Daddy.

In a way, it was revealing to him. He got to see in real time what a day at the desk does to me. I’ve explained how the employer is behaving, and the toll it is taking on me, but I think it is different to see the person you love in pain and not be able to mitigate that pain or provide comfort. I tried, I really tried to suck it up and present myself. I tried multiple times to recover and be in the moment with Daddy and the little one, but the hits kept coming and even Nicole can be overwhelmed.

I worry about the effect of that on him. I protect him from so much. One might argue it is not my place to protect him and I would fight the person who says that. He’s a Black man, and ‘my’ Black man. It is always as a Black woman my job to protect him. While yesterday was super ugly what I woke this morning worrying about was did I affect his ability to view himself as my protector. I believe in him enough to think he’s beyond that in a way, yet it is the strongest of us who at times can fold under the weight of duty.

The little one and I had a very long talk later last night. We both have figured out that we want the other to stick around. I had a moment of vulnerability and told her that I cannot see a future without her in it, and that I wanted her around always. That was scary. Yet the sun set, the sun rose. At times doing that which frightens you doesn’t kill you, well it almost never kills you even if it feels like it will before you do it.

Work stress. Lack of proximity stress. Money stress. Time stress. Complacency stress. Stress stress. I am still standing though. I got this, even if it causes a few more grays. That’s fine though, I shave my head so #kanyeshrug